#and also yes obviously fat old people are not always happy or healthy. yes being obese can cause health problems.

[shyleviathan]

one of the first arguments that a fatphobic person will make when pressed on the topic of their fatphobia is: "well you never see any fat old people," as if to imply that being fat will automatically kill you at the age of 60.

Okay but that is straight up incorrect. I literally do see fat old people all the time. They're in my family. They're my neighbors. They visit my workplace. They're my coworkers. They smile at me on the street. Fat old people with grey hair and wrinkles and loose skin. Fat old people with hanging tummies and thick arms and double chins. Fat old people who are active pillars in their communities and are good to those around them. Fat old people who are alive and healthy and retired and are loved by their families.

Fat old people are not myths. They are only invisible to fatphobic people.

[phoenixyfriend]

OKAY so on the topic of Star Wars takes wrt “character ends up in an A/B/O universe where they’re an omega, but they were previously a cis male in their canon”

@atagotiak and I had some Thoughts on discord

So, obviously, Anakin would make a good omega and he’s also incredibly murdery. Foregone conclusion that we're using him for this.

There is no preexisting Anakin in the Omegaverse. He shows up JUST as the war is starting. Canon timeline is in the third year of the war (he’s 22), but whatever dumped him into omegaverse also tossed him back a few years. No de-aging, just a bit of mismatched timeline stuff.

He's... really good at war, and clearly a Jedi, so the Temple just kind of goes "WELL OKAY THEN, SURE, YOU'RE IN, EVERYONE PRETEND HE'S BEEN HERE THE WHOLE TIME." The Jedi, by and large, don't care about omegaverse dynamics beyond 'what do you need, medically, to be happy and healthy' and 'what do you need to be aware of so you can be prepared for biases you encounter in the field?’

None of the civilian natborns (mainly politicians) want to put him on the field because of those biases. Anakin, being Anakin, is VERY blatantly an omega in scent, has never been on suppressants (because it wasn't a thing he fucking NEEDED), is incredibly emotional as a person, loves kids, etc.

Like, nobody wants an omega fighting a war anyway, but THIS one is like PINNACLE omega, and those awful Jedi are making him FIGHT just because he's good at stab!

The Jedi: Actually, it's because he's got several years of war experience that we don't, and he's a good tactician that works well with the clones-- Coruscant: You MONSTERS The Jedi: Look, we gave him the option to not stab and he looked absolutely devastated. Anakin, several days earlier: You don’t want me? I’m not good enough??? Jedi: Also he can beat up at least half the temple.

He doesn't know a damn thing about dynamics, but he DOES know that sometimes he's so horny he wants to stab HARDER. The clones are largely disinterested in their generals' dynamics because between mostly-Mando* trainers and no-dynamic Kaminoans, they only really care if a person can shoot.

* Mandalore approves of Fighty Omegas. As far as (traditional) Mandalore is concerned, you want an omega that will kill the threats to your children as well as you do.

Anakin: You know more about being an omega than I do. Rex: ...I'm an alpha. Anakin: Yeah. Let that one sink in a bit.

We have two options for Obi-Wan!

Omegaverse local Obi-Wan (beta) has never met this man before, and is very unnerved that the immediate default reaction Anakin has to his presence is releasing Family pheromones as if Obi-Wan is his DAD and like. This strange, too-tall man from another dimension has got absolutely NO control over what he projects in the Force OR in his dynamic.

Obi-Wan was ALSO transplanted from canon to omegaverse, and is also an omega, for contrast reasons. He is nice and friendly and and likes poetry and that sort of thing... but also he has the highest dismemberment count in the movies. Also he doesn’t prioritize romance.

We went with the second one because it's hilarious.

Someone watching them spar: Wow, omegas from that universe are terrifying.

As previously mentioned, now with some tweaking to account for both: Obi-Wan and Anakin just straight up don't exist until they drop headfirst into the council room, already covered in blood. (It's mostly not theirs.)

Nobody realizes either one is an omega until they "naturalize" to this dimension and Anakin goes into heat... and doesn't realize it, actually, because his primary symptom is heightened protectiveness and aggression. Everyone else with the right nose realizes, because the man has no control over his pheromone production, but Anakin? No. He just stabs. He’s angry and horny and he will cut someone.

Ahsoka has no reaction to human pheromones but basically everyone smells Anakin's "my child!" reaction to her, so... Cool. Have a padawan, we guess.

Anakin ends up sparring a lot with Aayla and Ahsoka, because only humans and near humans have dynamics, so these two don't REACT to the pheromones situation.

(Palpatine is a Kindly Old Beta who tries to treat Anakin the way he EXPECTS Anakin wants to be treated, which is. Not. Accurate.)

(Anakin hates it.)

I'm just so in love with "An omega can't fight." "You wanna fuckin' bet?"

There are plenty of omega Jedi, by the way, it's just... most of them can keep it relatively low-key instead of Anakin's jet-engine broadcast. Some, if they're known to be omega, probably take advantage of being underestimated, like Obi-Wan probably (and especially a version of Obi-Wan that was always an omega, unlike this version). They have a very different way of presenting themselves than Anakin, who's not subtle about being an omega and also not subtle about being all aggressive and stabby.

At one point, Anakin has to protect some Very Traditional Individuals who get all "Stay back, Omega, it's not safe!" and he's just... so tired of this shit. “You are squishy civilians and I'm a trained Jedi Knight and accomplished GAR General who's killed more people in one sitting than there are in this entire palace. Sit the fuck down and let me do my job.”

It starts making the rounds that Anakin insisted on fighting in person, and the rumors shift from "how dare the Jedi force an omega to fight" and over into things that are deeply hurtful in-universe in the vein of "broken omega" and some people try to say it to his face but like...

He didn't grow up here.

He doesn't care.

Say that to one of his friends and he's going to rip out your spleen, probably, but say it to him and he's just staring at you flatly and asking if that's a negative on getting away from the encroaching battle droids, sir?

"You're rather unpleasant for an omega, aren't you?" [deeply offensive] "I literally could not give less of a fuck about your opinion. Move."

It's not that there aren't omegas that act like Anakin, either, it's just that most of them aren't, you know, Jedi who regularly interact with the upper crust, or capable of his level of destruction. Unbeknownst to Anakin, everyone clocks him as Outer Rim based on his behavior, well before his accent gives him away, and certainly before he mentions he's from Tatooine, because Core Omegas Don't Act Like That.

Someone they meet in a more diplomatic setting says something decently passive-aggressive about how at least Obi-Wan acts more like how an Omega should. Then a battle breaks out for some reason, and... well. Anakin and Obi-Wan cause such a scandal by keeping score of kills in a battle, don’t you know?

Turns out sending Anakin to fight Ventress is great because she keeps expecting him to react a certain way but NO he's here to STAB.

I like the idea that Obi-Wan's favorite opponent these days is Grievous because the cyborg doesn't have a nose, and thus gives zero fucks about dynamics or heats. Dooku is a rich old man who has opinions heavily influenced by Sith Juice Making Him More of a Dick, and the Dathomiri can smell dynamics even if they don't have them, and so they have biases about those things. Meanwhile, Grievous is just there to Kill, and Obi-Wan genuinely appreciates the lack of commentary on his dynamic.

Dooku’s probably an alpha, or a beta who's used the whole "we are more level-headed" thing as one of several angles to keep himself the public face and supreme commander of the CIS.

On to more fluffy things that have less to do with political biases.

There's a lot of "I'm upset that my loved ones don't know me," but also please understand the appeal of Obi-Wan marching up to Quinlan like "Yes, hello, I understand you've been read in on the full situation behind myself and my former padawan. I was close friends with your alternate universe self, which I feel is necessary disclosure before I propose the following: Would you like to join me for my upcoming heat, as I have minimal experience with the dynamics situation and even fewer people I actually trust, and I believe I can put my faith in you to treat it as casually as necessary while still having control and respect for my person."

(The Team is in a fairly safe place to process stuff, but having sudden unexpected changes to your biology has gotta be a little traumatizing, on top of ending up in a universe where none of your friends know you and people have a whole host of unfamiliar forms of sexism to point at you.)

Obi-Wan, who wasn't quite touch-averse but was much more easily overwhelmed by physical contact than Anakin (who craved it), suddenly finds his body switching gears and insisting on cuddles with Trusted Loved Ones, which is.... mostly Anakin, on account of nobody else really knowing him yet. Also Ahsoka, who is aware that she's something of a replacement for her alt-universe self, but Anakin explained it as "I love you so much no matter which dimension I'm in or what you're like, and I'd like to get to know you the way I got know her."

(It's rather eloquent for Anakin. He got Obi-Wan to help him draft up the script for when he pitched taking on omegaverse Ahsoka as a padawan.)

Anakin gets a more intensely sexual heat than 'usual' at one point for Reasons (IDK it could be as innocuous as 'we got better food than the usual rations and my body is reacting to the higher fat content with the belief that it's safer to have a baby now'), which nobody takes a whole lot of notice of because they're in a WAR, and also this is only his fourth one so it's not like he's got a lot to compare it to... except then the predominantly alpha clones can't stop themselves from reacting to the pheromones, mostly by wandering past his door and asking if he needs anything, offering up alpha-scented blankets and stuff for the nest to soothe the hormones, bringing snacks and electrolyte drinks, and like, Anakin is flattered, really, but fuck off please.

(He got a warning from medical a few hours before it hit that it would be different, so he actually does have alpha-scented fabrics to help him out. Apparently that's a thing you can just ask friends for, so he asked Rex if he had anything on hand that he could spare. He now has one of Rex’s recently-used sheets and a bodyglove in the nest.)

(Anakin has no idea how to feel about the nesting instinct, but at least it’s warm.)

Tia asked "Oh hey, who has the scared and horny reaction to his carnage?" and like.

Listen. I'm not saying I've been low-key imagining this as Rex being a very subby alpha who's really into Anakin's whole Thing but...

At one point Anakin gets injured in a way that requires painkillers and he ends up whining to the point of almost crying about the fact that nobody is cuddling him right now in medbay and Kix just gives up and comms Ahsoka to come hug her weird older brother.

And Then There Is Purring.

That’s a Thing Now.

Rex ends up in the pile somehow. He came over to check on Things and ended up yanked in by half-asleep, half-high Anakin, who has a grip like an octopus and no impulse control and is purring like a pod motor while NUZZLING HIM.

There’s a lot of blackmail photos featuring Rex’s very intense blush as he’s cuddled by his commander (giggling at him) and general (clinging like a tooka and rubbing himself all over).

Anakin is deeply offended that ANYONE thinks he'd want to get pregnant by just any old person, NO he needs to fall in LOVE there needs to be EMOTIONAL DRAMA and if Padme won't have him (apparently she's in a relationship and no he's not BITTER) then he'll find someone else to have a whirlwind romance with!

People think Anakin's a slut because he can't control his pheromone production (he has NO practice and for health reasons he can't go on suppressants) so he always smells open and ready for flirtations, which Obi-Wan also has to a somewhat lesser degree (he's older so his body just naturally produces less), and then someone tries to cross a boundary and grabs his ass and ANYWAY Anakin has to now fill out an incident report for breaking a civilian's arm.

Again.

[solastia]

The Dragon’s Lair - 7

- SEOKJIN’S POV -

Pairing: Kim Namjoon x F!Reader (although she’s kinda OC now huh?)

A/N: Kinda on the short side, I apologize. But I wanted us to get a quick peek into Jin’s side of things and where his mind is. Any guesses on who his mate might be? ;) 

*****

He wasn’t sure what had woken him up. The house was silent beyond Namjoon’s snores that he could hear coming through the old walls. He waited a few seconds to see if he could hear anything else or catch a scent, but it was all clear. There was just something pricking at his mind - something making his instincts go wild. He’d blame the fact that he was in a new house but this wasn’t a new feeling. 

It had begun when his ride here had traveled past the sea. He’d gotten a whiff of fresh ocean air and his fur had instantly bristled up. His claws had lengthened involuntarily and he’d had to exercise every scrap of self-control he possessed so he wouldn’t leap out of the moving vehicle and run full-shift towards whatever that scent had been. 

Seokjin groans and cracks open his eyes, still heavy with sleep. He might as well take a trip to the bathroom while he was already awake. He yawns and forces himself out of the comfy bed, scratching his belly sleepily. Even now, the scent was clear to him. There had been the smell of the ocean, yes, but...something else. Something other like him. 

The realistic part of Seokjin’s brain said maybe his exotic side had simply found a scent it liked and that’s that. But when he allowed himself to be more fanciful, like now when it was three am and he was still half asleep, he listened to the Sphinx screaming, “mate, mate, MATE!,” and he didn’t hate the idea. 

He’d been alone for so very long that it sounded like a dream. A fairytale ending for his Cinderella story. 

Not that Namjoon was any sort of evil stepsister, nor his mate that exuded naivety and goodness from every pore. If anything, he knew that he was particularly blessed to have Heechul hyung looking out for him and talking this human into taking him in. He would have dealt with having to be in the shelter again, but quite honestly he was too old to do well there. He was a grown Sphinx used to independence and being at the top of his hierarchy. 

He finishes in the bathroom and sighs heartily, deciding sleep was going to be impossible now. Might as well help himself to the kitchen. He shuffled quietly there and peeked inside the fridge, horrified once again by the contents. How have these two been keeping alive? The fridge only contained very basic ingredients like eggs and milk, a bottle of soy sauce, and not a single vegetable in sight. 

He settles for making a couple of fried eggs, using them to top off the bowl of instant rice he pilfered from the cupboards. He gives it all a splash of soy sauce so it’s not completely flavorless and sits at the kitchen table, eating his little meal slowly. 

It always seemed like nights were harder for some reason. Like the dark vastness of the sky reminded him of how empty his life had become - of how much he missed his parents. 

He’d seriously lucked out when the two had walked into the shelter all those years ago. He’d been a bit older than the usual desired age for hybrid adoptions so he hadn’t expected much when Heechul had escorted the couple towards the exotic section. He’d stayed in his corner of the room playing his video game, but he’d kept an eye on them as they smiled and shook hands with all the desperate little ones crowding them. They seemed genuinely nice, with smiles that lit up their eyes and the man always making his wife laugh. 

When they finally got close enough, Seokjin greedily scented the air, thinking if he ever had someone pick him he hoped they smelled as good as these two. The man - though obviously old for a human - smelled strong and healthy. Faint hints of cigar smoke and old books clung to him almost as much as his mate’s scent did. And his mate - the wife - smelled exactly how Seokjin had always thought a mother would. A light hint of expensive perfume couldn’t cloud the endorphins that were coming off of her in waves from being surrounded by the little ones. She was older too - perhaps younger than her husband by no more than a handful of years - but she too seemed to be in good health. She smelled so comforting to Seokjin that he stopped paying attention to his game and let his little avatar get killed three times in a row as he glued his eyes on the woman. 

Heechul actually herded the pair towards him and he set down his controller and bowed formally, wanting to make a good impression despite the fact that he knew they would never pick him. He’d thought they’d merely shake his hand and move on, but the man had kept asking him questions about his hobbies and what he wanted to do when he grew up. The woman kept staring at him with her hand held to her chest like she’d been shocked by something. 

It wasn’t until a half-hour later when Heechul had called him into his office with the pair that he realized she’d decided she wanted him. A mere few minutes and she’d decided she was his mother and no one else’s. “You’re so handsome I fell in love at first sight, my Jinnie,” she’d always say. 

He’d had nineteen wonderful years with them before pneumonia took them both within days of each other. Nineteen years filled with happiness and laughter with two of the most loving people he’d ever met. He missed his routines with them - the fishing every weekend with his dad, cooking with his mom, the Sundays all three of them would sit around with face masks and watch movies. 

When they’d passed away, his heart had broken. He’d known it was inevitable - they were both getting old and frail - but he’d thought he’d have just a little more time with them. After the funeral, he waited with bated breath for someone to storm in and drag him off to be put down somewhere. When nothing had happened, he’d grown steadily more careless, often forgetting he wasn’t supposed to be on his own with the big house and vast wealth. He’d carried on with his life like he knew his parents would have wanted him to. He kept going to med school since his dad had pulled so many strings to let him attend, he tried going on dates that never went anywhere, he hung out with his friends whenever he had the time. Life went on. 

Trying to stop the robber had been stupid of him - he knew that now. He should have just let the man get away and then never reported him so he’d be left alone...but once he spied his mother’s favorite pearls in the man’s hand he’d lost his shit. He’d fully shifted, letting his wings out and knocking over a couple of vases with their width, and his nails expanded until finally he’d roared and the robber had screamed and thrown the nearest item at his head in his rush to escape. Unfortunately, that item had been his mother’s bird statue that was made entirely of gold, so he’d been knocked out cold. His friend had found him after he hadn’t shown up to their gaming session and called the police and an ambulance, where they took his blood and found out that he was a hybrid with deceased owners and proceeded to shove him in the nearest pound while they contacted his mother’s very distant cousin. 

He’d never even gotten to meet this so-called cousin before the fat lawyer that smelled like fried chicken rushed him out of his own home, making him leave behind even the belongings that were his. He had no idea what use the cousin had for his manga or video game collection. Let alone the used sports jerseys or his hamper full of dirty clothes. 

Thankfully Heechul existed and he’d been able to contact his old caregiver before he was sent to the state center. He knew that place was a death sentence. And now here he was, in a strange home with barely anything besides his small suitcase. He missed his dad. He missed his mom. He missed feeling loved and hopeful for the future. He missed the way his dad always knew what to do. He missed the way his mom would brush his mane and groom his feathers while she sang. 

Seokjin cleared his throat and swiped at his suddenly wet cheek. He hadn’t even realized he’d been crying. He shook his head and went to the sink to wash his dishes, heading back to his room when he finished for another sleepless night. 

****

Life in the ‘Dragon’s Lair’ (as he’d taken to calling it, despite said dragon’s constant eye-rolling) began to take on a new normal the longer he was there. Days began to blend into each other as he struggled to adjust himself to his new reality, but Namjoon and his mate were a great help. 

Luckily, his tuition had been prepaid by his father and the cousin had no way of taking his education away from him, so he still took his classes - albeit mostly online because he wanted to stay in his room most of the time. 

Money was thankfully of no immediate issue. There was more money in the book than he’d felt comfortable sharing with anyone, enough that he could still go years without a job if he needed to. He also knew that if he needed it, he could always ask Heechul for help, although the other would make him work in the cafe for it. He might do it anyway just for something to do. 

Namjoon and his mate were simply wonderful. His old friend had grown up into a great person who was sweet and intelligent, good to the people he cared about, and strong in ways that he probably wasn’t even aware of. His mate Star was just as good. She was funny and kind, with just enough sass to be interesting. And they were both sickeningly in love with each other to the point that Seokjin had to leave the house quite often to get some peace. Not that it upset him - he was incredibly happy for Namjoon. It just sometimes emphasizes how alone he was. 

But yes, Star was great. There was just...something about her. Something that drew him to her. Not in a sexual or attraction kind of way...more like - primal. Like the animal side of him saw her as a protector. Which, he supposed she kinda was since she was housing exotic hybrids, but still. He couldn’t figure it out. He was certain she was completely human, but sometimes underneath the frankly nauseating amount of reptile musk that she was constantly covered with, he could catch hints of the forest in her natural scent. Sure, there was a forest nearby, but why would the scent cling to her like that? There was something there and luckily for him, there was nothing he enjoyed more than a good riddle. 

Beyond that, there was still one other pressing issue. His mate. 

He knew they were out there. He knew he’d caught their scent. When he’d passed the sea he’d been certain they were there. He just needed to find them. He didn’t want them to be alone too. 

“Jin, we’re about to head to the mall. Do you want to come shopping with us? The weather’s clearing up and I promised Namjoon we’d go to the ocean,” Star asked with a bright smile as he exited his room. 

“The ocean?” he responded, his brain halting for a second. Fate was working her magic, was she? 

“Yeah, he’s been wanting to go for a while but it’s been too cold. I thought we’d rent a small beach house and spend the weekend. So you’ll need swim trunks and towels, stuff like that. If you’d rather stay here, that’s fine too. It’s up to you.” 

“No,” he rushed, feeling his ears go red with embarrassment as he let his eagerness show. “It’s fine. I’d love to go.” 

“Great!” Star grinned, threading an arm with his as she leads him out to the yard. “We’ll have so much fun!” 

He nods silently, his nose trying in vain to catch that salty scent on the air again. 

I’m coming. Just wait for me. 

[yulmoldauer]

okay okay okay but FOLLOW UP: Nolan with a little boy who loves dress up and tea parties and princesses and you know what maybe that little boy grows up and is able to tell you and Nolan that they have always been a little girl but maybe he is a boy who likes """girl""" things and either way thats okay with Nolan! because his kid fucking rocks and he'll support their interests and identity no matter what even if stupid hockey culture tries to get in there and mess it up!

OP I LIKE THE WAY YOU THINK.

so like. yall were *always* fine with the fact that your little girl was in every sport she could get her hands on, was one of the most aggressive kids out there, all that. tbh y’all were proud as hell seeing her thrive and love what she did

your second kid you were also totally okay with him not really being as into playing sports (though he absolutely loved the energy of watching sports his sister, dad, other family, etc were in!). in fact, he ended up finding all the stereotypical girly stuff people got for your oldest that she ended up not really using/playing with. (even tho you guys were clear that gender roles could fuck themselves! that didn’t mean you’d shut her off from the dolls and pink and all that)

you guys just assumed your youngest was a boy that liked dresses and skirts and all the other stuff. nothing wrong with that!

(and yes, you guys all dressed up for tea parties, fashion shows, etc. your oldest didn’t dislike dresses, but when she found out she could wear one of her dad’s ties and her kick ass leggings? man she ROCKED that runway)

there was never any questioning him, grilling him. you guys kept him away from people who would be negative toward him, and thankfully he was young enough that you could keep him from seeing things about him in the media

though, Nolan came out multiple times to say that yall didnt care what anyone thought. your kids were happy and healthy, that’s what mattered.

other guys also shared the same sentiment with the media, which was nice. it was good to know everyone who you kept your kids around did support them

as the two got older but couldn’t drive, Nolan would make days out of taking them to makeup stores and letting them run the show. he sure as hell didn’t know how that worked (and I'm leaving it up to you whether or not they learned more from you or the internet haha) but he’d sit there all day and let them test colors on his skin

sometimes they’d sweet talk tk or another friend of your guys’ to come too

(side note: imagine Nolan being dragged around whatever makeup store with tk going “that lipstick is tiny. how the hell does it cost that much” and tk just looks at him like ‘dude-you-make-a-nhl-salary?’ but also doesnt say anything bc yall aren't gonna raise your kids to throw money around like its nothing. these kids have chores and allowances for that until theyre old enough to get a job if they want their own spending money)

(tk has to quickly google every brand to make sure its cruelty-free for the kids too)

eventually the kids were getting older and your oldest was off to college (on a scholarship for ice hockey, you’d brag) and the youngest was smack dab in the middle of high school, arguably one of the suckiest times in a person’s life

your youngest sat down with the two of you over dinner and told you that they’re a girl. and no, it’s not because they just dont like gender sterotypes--they legitiamately feel this way

and who the fuck are you guys to say anything negative. she’s the one living in that body. she knows herself the best.

Nolan, that night, lays down with you in bed and lets out a sigh.

“I'm so proud of her,” he murmurs. “and I'm just glad he--she, fuck, sorry--was comfortable enough telling us.”

“yeah,” you’d agree, rubbing circles into his back. “I told her we’d help pick out a new name if she wants us to”

you got a smile at that before it quickly faded

“I just worry--I mean, obviously, this shit ain’t easy for anyone to do. but with us kinda being in the public eye...”

“hey,” you’d grab his hand and make him look at you. “we got this. we did it when she was a kid, we’ll just keep telling everyone to fuck off and mind their business. at least now that she’s older, she can decide if and when she wants to tell people. before it was a rough guessing game of what people should or shouldn’t know”

he nodded, letting out another sigh. a bit of a relieved one, this time.

“I dunno how we got lucky enough to have two bad ass kids.”

you’d snort. “we weren’t saying that when they were both throwing fits not-too-long-ago because they’re fucking stubborn. but yeah, it paid off.”

op I would give you a fat kiss on the lips for this idea I love you (if you wanted it obviously. id also give u a crisp high five or fist bump if u wanted)

[whale-shark-queen]

Also I wanted to make a post talking about this

N is such a lanky skinny lad. You find a rare candy on the floor in his room but otherwise just from that and how Ghetsis is with him one could probably glean Ghetsis probably kept him on a strict diet to maintain this idea of an ~ideal king~ who was free of worldly wants other than the stuff in his room that clearly must have sufficed for the nearly 20-or so years N was locked in there to keep him 'innocent' and child-like, and that rare candy was probably the one treat N would be allowed as a reward. Or of course, he was keeping it there for his Pokemon friends. But I like to imagine the former, and that N secretly has a HUGE sweet tooth.

I... really think N would be the type to gain weight from getting to eat a lot. And I'm saying this as a chubbo myself who is quite on the fence about fat characters who are shown to love food--

I both hate when anime/anime style games have skinny characters who get to wolf down massive meals and are seen as cute for it despite staying skinny while the fat character has constant food and fat jokes made around them (looking at you, Danganronpa 2 and also Genshin Impact to an extent) but at the same time I adore the 'chubby soff chef/baker' trope (NOT looking at you, Danganronpa 2, my heart is for Twogami only) and the idea of a character who is normally skinny and very active getting to 'settle down' after the rush and adventure of the main story, getting to relax and indulge in their favourite food and snacks without having to worry and getting some pudge, or 'going domestic' if you will. I haven't watched any of the Avengers films past the first and a few clips of others but I'm guessing this is partially what happened to Thor. At the same time I realise, why should I have to justify it? Can fat people not simply be allowed to enjoy food? Can skinny people not simply be allowed to enjoy food without having to 'worry' about gaining weight as if it's a bad thing? And to that I say, yes, of course they can, and fuck the stigma attached to it.

Anyway, I just LOOOOVE to imagine N finally trying out new food on his adventures, or maybe even after he reunites with the TouTous, unlearning the strict ways dear old Dicksis instilled into him and gettin chubby. Like it could go two ways;

On his own he might initially feel too stuck in certain ways and be a bit intimidated seeing so many options and stick to what he knows; fruits, veggies, whatever his Pokemon friends and partners would have; very green and healthy but at the same time very simple, boring and bland. He'd most definitley be intruiged seeing the kind of food other people eat but initially would feel he'd have to resist the 'temptation' and avoid cafes/restaurants all together until he finally reunites with the TouTous who are worried sick about him and see he's all scruffy from living as a hobo for 2 years and probably had absolutely not had a good meal in forever so they sit him down at whatever diner they come to first that's open at 3am and order him a big thicc stack of pancakes (vegan for him, of course, guessing his food preferences as such just to be safe) and start bombarding him with questions about where he's been and how he is and WHY DID HE DISAPPEAR only to pause when they notice him poking it and staring at it rather nervously. How does one even EAT this 'panned-cake'? And surely it all can't be for him!

Of course it's for him, he looks practically starved to death, so he takes a bite and a whole new world has opened up for him, it melts in his mouth and makes him feel so warm and fuzzy inside, bringing a huge smile to his face, and he inhales the entire stack, excitedly talking about his adventures and catching up with the TouTous. Of course this would go on for a long time and N would probably timidly ask for any other food recommendations while they're there and even though it's probably just cheap 'nasty' stuff they'd try a little bit of everything together and N feels like his mind has been BLOWN. He's missed out on so much!! He's gotta try more! So the TouTous help broaden his horizons by introducing him to all sorts of delicious meals and snacks and N learns to loosen up, enjoy himself and learn it's okay to indulge!

The other way it could go is if N gets the courage to straight up go for it and discovers new food on his own. That same moment of bliss where he tastes something brand new that lights up his tastebuds and makes him realise how much he's missed out on. I've always imagined he probably has money from Ghetsis squirreled away somewhere so as someone who discovers his enormous sweet tooth and loses all self restraint he'd most definitley buy one of everything from some Kalosian bakery and sit in a forest clearing trying EVERYTHING with his Poke-pals and just having a grand old time

Fast forward to reuniting with Touko and Touya where they notice he's plumped up a bit and-- let's be real, on his own N would try to learn all about human views on pretty much anything and would probably feel some anxiety about his weight at some point -- even though it's perfectly natural for Pokemon to do it while hibernating and to keep safe for winter, human society views gaining weight as some kind of moral failing, but of course the TouTous would be more than happy just to see him and would obviously think he looks super cute with a fluffier body they can hug and squish like a tol marshmallow

Just !! AAAA either way the TouTous would 100000% be supportive as well as Cheren and Bianca (who I also hc as a chubby ball of sunshine) who all suggest new stuff for him to try as well. I also like to think N would love to get into cooking himself as well, since he can apply his love of maths and equations to it to try and find the perfect combinations of ingredients to make the most delicious dish that he would also love to share!

Except for that 'mathematical bagel'. It just makes everyone angry looking at it.

(On a slightly serious note, at that point he'd probably lose a bit of the pompousness (which he does have a tiny bit of in bw1) of some of his concepts of 'elegant vs ugly formulas' when it comes to his opinions of a good meal, as in he'd value a simple dish he may have previously considered 'ugly' for being 'basic' and dislike how arrogant and pretentious 'fancier' dishes can be. Like what the fuck is the point of a deconstructed cheesecake, or deconstructed anything! That's just a gentrified version of being a kid who eats all the lunchable bits separate!)

But yes tldr; let N enjoy food! Let N be chubby! Let chubby N enjoy food and cooking!!! Let him be a soff boy who's perfectly squishy to hug and would 100% love to learn how to cook great meals to share!

[fatphobiabusters]

So I have a question about how weight gain/loss works and I can't find any studies that don't seem reductionist or oversimplifying.

So, I assume you guys and I both agree: weight gain and loss is way more complex than calories in - calories out. It HAS to be. For instance, I was underweight until I started taking certain medications which made me gain upwards of 70lbs in the span of a few years. My diet and activity levels have not changed. My mom eats worse than I do (legit she sometimes only eats sugary cereals and ice cream some days, I try to only eat whole grains in contrast because I like their taste better and they're more nutritious) and she's not nearly as fat as I am. I also exercised a lot for a good year or two and while I gained plenty of muscle weight my total amount of body fat didn't change.

Meanwhile a friend of mine is chronically underweight and we eat very similarly and have the same activity levels, and he actively LOSES weight if he doesn't eat upwards of 2000+ calories a day.

I know that's anecdotal evidence, but I hear very similar stories from many people and simplifying weight down to just calories seems like it's missing a whole big picture somewhere. The body obviously has some very complex systems in place regarding the storage of body fat and when it chooses to use it vs keep it.

Seeing as you guys are skeptical of reductionist science when it comes to body fat and weight, I was wondering if you had any studies or research on hand about how weight gain and loss actually works. It seems like a fascinating topic ripe for plenty of research and experiments regarding the biological pathways of how energy is stored and used, and why it uses fat stores sometimes and not others, and why it differs so greatly between people! It feels like if it were any other field people would be pouring grants and work into figuring out this really cool mystery but because it's about fat people nobody wants to bother.

So, we have posted a lot about this.

I recommend spending some time on @bigfatscience, since this is their actual area of expertise.

I’m also interested in this in a sciency way, but as a fat person I worry about ppl focusing too much on this and not on radical fat acceptance. It shouldn’t matter if someone is fat because they choose to eat a lot and do no exercise. That’s their right as a human.

I posted this graph [cw: o word] a while back. It’s not perfect, but it’s a start in thinking about weight systematically and in a more complex way.

-Mod Siarl

https://assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/government/uploads/system/uploads/attachment_data/file/296290/obesity-map-full-hi-res.pdf

last time the embedded link didn’t work so I’m just putting it here in case that happens again.

---

I’m going to throw my tuppence-haypenny in here. Mod Siarl already gave an excellent answer, I just have my spleen to vent also 😎 engage RANT:

The calories-in/calories-out thing bugs me a LOT because it’s so simple for people to throw out, and takes FOREVER to debunk. It’s like a Gish-gallop debating tactic: make the other side look daft by casually dropping it into a discussion and watch the other side have to faff about with a big answer.

I don’t know if this comes up much in US education, but there’s an old adage:

“Physics can’t explain how a bumblebee is able to fly.”

It’s patent nonsense. Of course Physics can explain it. The problem is mis-stated: Physics, as taught to 15 year olds, is too simplistic to explain how a bumblebee is able to fly.

Physics, as taught to post-16 year olds and in higher education, is perfectly able to explain it.

Calories is EXACTLY like that, IMO.

“Just expand more calories than you take in and you’ll lose weight. SIMPLE.”

It’s an oversimplification of biological process that, yes as stated is technically correct but it bears no resemblance to reality. It’s mis-stated.

When you restrict calories, your body will react. The reaction varies on person, circumstance, metabolism, genetics and societal conditioning. It may include, but is not limited to:

‘Starvation’ mode: your body chemistry adapts to lower calorific intake and preps for a famine. Fat is one of the last things to go, because it’s your body’s last line of defence against starving to death. (https://www.healthline.com/nutrition/starvation-mode#metabolism)

Depression/mental health. Not only are you depriving yourself of something that may make you happy (tasty food you like), you’re interfering with the societal use of food (social eating, with all its positive connotations for interaction), changing your body chemistry AND setting yourself up with a “I can’t have X otherwise I’m a bad person” mentality. (https://www.consumerhealthdigest.com/general-health/dieting-mental-health.html - refs at bottom)

Decreased activity. Fewer calories == less energy. Body stays the same shape (https://www.livestrong.com/article/454212-fatigue-while-on-a-calorie-restricted-diet/).

Reduction in muscles. Fat’s your last line of defence against starving (https://www.healthline.com/nutrition/calorie-restriction-risks#TOC_TITLE_HDR_7).

Fat loss. Yep, it might happen 🤷‍♀️ depends on all the factors above.

Weight gain. Guess what happens when the calorie counting ends? Your body tries to get back to its previous weight ASAP (https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/smart-people-don-t-diet/201501/5-lies-the-diet-industry).

Yes, there are also studies that show calorie restriction makes you smarter, live longer, able to jump tall buildings in a single bound and blah blah blah, all of which rely on self-reporting from subjects (which is laughably unreliable), small sample sizes (womp womp) and significant differences in the baseline stats of the participants (eg this gushing report https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/caloric-restriction-intelligence/ which buries these huge methodological faults in the ‘further questions’ section. FFS.)

Why the disparity? Why is slim evidence given SO much credence rather than correctly being interpreted as ‘hm, interesting. More research needed’?

Being fat is just taken as fact to be a problem. Any study showing otherwise is immediately analysed until someone can explain that the study was flawed (see the obesity paradox for this in action - what if we just discount any thin person with cancer? Job done. Now fatties look bad again. And there was much rejoicing.)

The reverse is true for any study on calorie restriction: any methodological flaws are buried in the footnotes, because it fits the narrative.

Whether being fat is healthy or not doesn’t matter. Your body, and changing it, take a long time and concerted effort for slow changes. You’re under no obligations to any of that and deserve to be allowed to live in peace with respect. Maybe you like being fat. Maybe you like your lifestyle. Maybe there are factors more important in your life than your weight. Maybe you accept you will die at the end regardless, so to an extent your just choosing between cancer, heart disease or Alzheimers (sorry for being flippant - that’s a big topic right there).

(Why is this ‘the narrative’? If I had to guess, I’d follow the money: public health is expensive, so any excuse to turn it into a problem of will power/individual deviancy is embraced by people who want their taxes lower rather than paying for healthcare for the masses.)

So yes. Calories-in/calories-out is twaddle is the take-away from my TED talk/rant 🤣

NOTE: I’m not a biologist, nutritionist, doctor or anything else. Always go to the study source, check the methodology, check the conclusions (which regularly get utterly misquoted when reported) and make up your own mind. Don’t take what I say as fact, because I might be completely backwards.

-- Mod K

[mallhit]

A lil fic based on some headcanons with @dollhousemuses where huey asks wakko to move in with him when he goes off to college. kinda a mix of a Brotherly Bonding fic and a lil Huey/Wakko...with another huey/wakko fic to come aowiejf enjoy

It was easy to tell when Wakko was upset if you knew him well enough. And Yakko definitely knew him well enough. 

The dead giveaway that something was wrong was always his tongue; it wouldn’t be hanging out of his mouth, meaning that he was biting it either out of anger or anxiety or concentration. Sometimes Yakko mused about the humor in the quietest sibling literally having to bite his tongue, but those thoughts were often overlooked by his worry for the younger. Sure Wakko had his outbursts, but there was a difference between that and his more unsettling contemplation.

So when Wakko came into the kitchen as Yakko was cleaning up from lunch, he knew he was in for some big news right away.

Wakko never liked to talk until he was ready, over the years Yakko had learned that trying to get him to voice his issues before he was prepared only ended in disaster. So for several minutes Yakko continued to clean while Wakko stood there, mulling over his thoughts. The dishes got scrubbed, the food put away, it wasn’t until the last counter was dusted that he finally spoke up.

“Hey Yakko, can we talk?”

“I sure hope we can,” the eldest replied, “Or else my name is about to become real ironic.”

“Wise ass.” Wakko said, but there was a smile twitching at the corners of his previously down turned mouth, so that was a good sign.

“Hey now, let’s watch the fucking language around here.”

They both burst out laughing at the same time; Yakko high and fast and Wakko deep and slow. It was a familiar sound in the water tower, the siblings had a habit of being able to make each other laugh at any time no matter the situation. 

Slowly the laughter died down though and then they were both back where they first started, gawking at each other in the kitchen as they both tried to prepare for the conversation to follow. 

“It’s about Huey.” Wakko finally came out with it. 

For a brief moment Yakko’s blood began to boil. He thought of the worst possibilities, the most outrageous things that could’ve happened and even the mere assumptive thought was enough to almost send him over the edge. His anger was quick to calm though; if Wakko and Huey had been having relationship troubles then he would’ve heard about it long before now. Not to mention Wakko would be bawling his eyes out if they’d broken up, so it couldn’t have been that. 

He really should give Huey the benefit of the doubt. The duck had been good for Wakko. Not many 18 year olds could say that they’ve had the same sweetheart for the last 6 years; Wakko and Huey were just lucky like that. 

Yakko thought back to what his sibling had been like before meeting Huey. Wakko was never one that people would call shy, but it was fair to say that Huey had definitely brought him out of his shell. The number of times the duck had made the pup laugh, or blush, or just smile contently was too much to count. 

Not to mention the effect Huey had physically. Before meeting, Wakko was nothing more than a scrawny scrappy mess of a kid. They all were really, however with how active and energetic Wakko was, he’d gotten the worst of it. 

But that was a thing of the past once Huey came along; the duck was very good at making sure Wakko got enough to eat, between snacks and dinner dates and the ‘junior woodchuck recommended’ 3 square meals a day, the days of worrying about food were no more than a distant memory. The duck was so good at it, in fact, that Wakko had even managed to get a bit chubby around the middle, something Yakko was quite grateful for. He’d rather his brother get a little bit fat and happy than to go back to being underfed and miserable. 

It was a healthy sort of weight. A good chunk of it was also muscle. None of the Warners were built for a bulky physique, all being naturally lanky and lean, but Wakko came the closest to having some semblance of noticeable muscle. 

It had all started the first time he went on an adventure with the duck family. That night he’d returned both excited and exhausted. Apparently globetrotting wasn’t exactly a walk in the park. Once he hit his teen years, Wakko put on muscle fast, even beneath his softness. Though he’d said it was so he could keep up with the others when he was invited along, Yakko knew the truth, he could see it in the other’s worried eyes. 

Wakko wanted to protect Huey. He wanted to be strong enough to handle any situation that could arise. And if one of those situations involved picking the duck up and twirling him around and carrying him for miles upon miles as he slept during one of the longer adventures, then so be it.

So, with those thoughts in mind, whatever had happened between his brother and Huey, Yakko was sure that they could get through it. 

“What about Huey?” Yakko prompted his younger sibling to talk, speaking more gently than he would usually. 

“He’s goin’ off to college. Out of state.” 

Ah, that explained things. Of course, Wakko’s boyfriend leaving for school was going to be rough on everyone involved, but it certainly didn’t seem as serious as Wakko’s previously somber mood had indicated. 

“Well,” Yakko started, “it won’t be too bad buddy. Lots of people make long distance work, you just need to have open communication and try to plan times where you’re both available to each other. It’ll be fine-” 

“And I’m going with him!” 

Now that caught Yakko off guard, which was very hard to do. It wasn’t said as a question or as a discussion topic. It was closed. It was final. Wakko wasn’t asking permission, he was telling Yakko. And it sounded final. 

Yakko’s voice caught in his throat, something that added even more distress than he was already feeling. He wanted to come in with a quip or a gag or something. But he just couldn’t. So Wakko took that as a sign to continue. 

“I wanted to tell you and Dot together but she was stickin’ her nose in places and saw my texts so I just had to deal with that whole conversation. But I’m goin’ with him ‘cus I-I love him. A-an’ he said he wanted me there and I’ve never said yes ta somethin’ faster in my entire life. It feels right, goin’ there with him. And he’s got a nice apartment in mind, it’s a really cool place. We-we’ll still be able to come back too! All the time and...and...yer upset aren’t you?” 

Through Wakko’s whole rant Yakko hadn’t noticed that his fists were tightened at his side. As soon as Wakko’s voice dropped-a puppy whimper whining through his words-Yakko instinctively loosened them up. He was a brother first, afterall, and he didn’t like being the one to make his siblings upset. 

The fact remained though that Wakko was leaving. Not asking, not thinking about it, he was leaving. Not only that but he was leaving to move in with his boyfriend. That was so...adult of him. 

In the moment Yakko remembered that Wakko was an adult. 18 years old. He wasn’t just his little brother anymore; he was a young man. The thought made Yakko want to either burst out laughing or cry. 

Right now wasn’t the time for either of those things though. There would be time later, when Wakko was out and Dot was asleep. Then he would cry, holding onto the old blanket they all used to share together because it was the only one they had and they shared everything. The three of them, the only friends and family they had ever known. 

“So, using the L word now?” Yakko managed to keep his tone calm and happy, a hint of teasing in his voice that made Wakko blush a bright red. 

“We’ve uh, been usin’ it fer a while now. Been thinkin’ maybe...maybe after he finishes school i’ll propose to him. Or start talkin’ about it. That’s years from now though. Are you...is this...ok?”

“Of course it is! I’m gonna miss ya’ like hell, so don’t go forgetting that. But it’s exciting isn’t it?”

Wakko perked up, ears lifted and tail wagging. It was just enough to make Yakko feel like his world wasn’t falling apart, just a little bit. 

“Yeah it is! He asked me and I think I coulda’ died right then from happiness. An’ he really meant it to. He-he really wants me there. He wants us to be together an’ livin’ with each other. So we were talkin’ about it an’ it’s a one bedroom-” 

Wakko continued to talk, raving about every little detail that he and Huey had discussed. Yakko stood a little closer to him, touched his shoulder a bit more, laughed a little harder at his jokes. He’d have a few months to come to terms with everything. Boy would he need them. 

But in the end, his brother was in love, and was very obviously loved back. To the point where it was almost ridiculous how much his face lit up just by talking about Huey.

What more could an older brother want but that? 

[naturaldisasterfanfiction]

7.

Frowning at Mel “stop messing around, if you’re going to plan on being an active auntie in my baby’ life I don’t want games” Mel likes to massage coco butter on my stomach, which I don’t mid because then it saves me from doing it and I can just relax but she is taking forever and is playing around by drawing things on my stomach, stifling out a yawn as I rested my head back on the pillow “I swear to god Melissa!” I shouted “you got me shouting now, stop it” Mel just laughed at me, she is laughing, and I am annoyed “I can’t believe how amazing the scan pictures came out now, it’s creepy but cute. I cried when she said the baby finger is in its mouth, like” reaching to my side table “look at it, literally has my forehead” looking at my scan picture “chile, forehead for days. Chris has a receding fucking hairline and your hairline is no different, the baby has no choice but to have a big forehead and hairline starting from the back” my mouth fell open “oopss, sorry” she isn’t wrong but still “I hate you, I would kick you but you are being helpful” smiling at my scan picture, this just makes me so happy. Like this is my baby right now in my stomach just relaxing, I am fucking mind blown by how I am bringing life to the world. We spoke on so much, the difficulties that could happen but I am going all natural, I don’t want nobody cutting into me unless it is at a point where I could die but I am all for the natural thing “yeah, I heard your mom saying that you are going natural? I mean I am not the person to say anything but isn’t it better just cutting and then out it comes?” placing the scan picture on my chest “I think not, unless I could die or my baby could die then I will back down but I want to go through it normally, I don’t want to be lazy and just lay there. I am like every other woman; I don’t care what anyone says. I said it to Doctor Wen, she explained the reason why they would cut me open if they needed but she is happy for me to do natural and I agreed on the reasons why, but I think a lot of famous women just do the easier option to not change anything and to make it as perfect as possible, I am not for that. If that baby is stretching my pussy then so be it. My only baby anyways” Mel pulled a face as she shuffled away and sat on the bed “I would rather be cut open, I am lazy like that” shaking my head at Mel “get pregnant, we can have baby play dates” poking my bottom lip out “no way sis, your baby is my baby too. Just you go through the pain” Mel cackled; she is not shit.

I have the biggest clothes I can wear right now; I am leaving the home after all these weeks and I am feeling nervous about it all “are we all ready?” walking out of my room, popping my scan picture in my bag “we are, so we are going straight to the hanger. I have arranged it, I know they like doing spot checks but not today, I mean we can’t have you getting searched with the baby bump. No spot check, I have arranged it that we are arriving” Jen pointed at me as she walked over to me “good, I am glad. I think I would be devastated if that were to happen, I do not need that right now. So, we have J. Cole and Kendrick performing at the ball, exciting right? All I had to do was text them, they both said yes. I am just so nervous; I feel sick now all over again but let’s go” Rich is staring at me “what?” I said to him “just weird to see you like this, I have been working with you for years” pulling a face at him “do I look pregnant? Am I fat to you?” Rich’ face dropped “no uh, I am not saying that just that you look well” side eyeing him “your cheeks are fuller sis” hitting Ja’ shoulder as I walked out of the house.

I am so excited to see what Dennis has done, he has been working hard on this. He wants me to be happy about it but I am, I am just feeling hormonal about things. I had to make the pilot and flight attendant sign a NDA because I want to be free on my jet and not hiding, also I needed the bed to be made and laying down will expose what I am hiding behind this huge thing “if you complain about this now I will just quit” Dennis placed his MacBook in front of me “I didn’t complain, I just stated that my voice didn’t sound right” Dennis rolled his eyes “just please, watch it. Pretend you’re a fan, you get the notification, no caption and this came up” looking at Jen before pressing play, I hate my face “Ja is right” my face looks fuller “no he is not, you look so good Robyn. You look so happy, I love it, you can tell you got that pregnancy skin” watching the video play on, just images of me smiling “oh god, it sounds like I am adding to my skin care. The fans are going to hate me, they really are”  the video cuts to me walking towards the bathroom “it’s now time to enter a new journey for me, and for the new life that was created” I mimicked the words I said as the video played on and the time lapse of the images I took “oh god, as a fan I would be shook. Like my heart is beating hard against my chest, they are going to be shocked. It’s calming though. The way I announce it is very calming, but it honestly looks like I am announcing a new skin product, oh god. I am happy with it Dennis, yes” sitting back smiling “I am” I said again “I was thinking about my extended family members and not telling them, they will find out like this also but it needs to be so tight. I mean it will be the same with the Chris thing, I can’t risk telling too much to so many people. The circle needs to be closed” watching Dennis take his laptop “what if Chris wants to tell?” Jen asked “he needs to not, that is something I will obviously take that up with him or if he says don’t care and I rather not get involved” Jen laughed “you wish, he will be like an excited puppy but that is interesting to hear, I think you both need to have this deep conversation and you won’t be drunk or high” I wish I could get drunk or high “I miss that” I mumbled saying.

Mel laid next to me on the bed that was made on the jet, I feel a little sore and tired so I knew that I would need the bed made “do you all take turns in cuddling me? Am I that big?” Mel laughed out, she is laughing but I think it is true “it’s not that, I promise so I was thinking if we invite Chris to the ball since you know, he is you know” Mel looked at my stomach and then at me, she proceeded to wink at me “erm, I am not sure about that. I am not being funny but it’s already a mess and I am adding to it, I can’t just invite him and then have him alone, he will then bring his friends. Just keep it away, not there. Not when this will be happening, everyone is going to be at me about it already, the same tired old conversation. I disagree, he has too much on anyways” Mel rolled her eyes at me “you do know you are going to have to face him” looking away from Mel “wish I didn’t need too” I said to myself “then don’t, he will be none the wiser. Pray to the gods it doesn’t look like him, I mean you don’t need too” shaking my head “I am not like that, it’s just difficult ok. He is a mess; I keep stalking him!” I shouted so loudly “ok, calm down. Well whatever you want then I am here” she needs to just support me in this plan, it may be a little crazy but I just need to do it my way and not what people around me want because it will not work like they want “I am intrigued to know what his reaction will be, will it be happy, sad, hateful. I mean it’s not the perfect scenario” she is telling me like I don’t know that.

Sitting on the bed Indian style with my hand naturally on my stomach, I am just forever doing this now, I am used to it “I hate this, I hate that Jen and Mel both know a secret that I want to know. Like you both know the sex of my child, I really don’t want a gender reveal just tell me!” I half shouted “she’s going to be cute like you, I know already” Ja is acting like anyone will tell him shit “I know my girls, they wouldn’t tell you because I would bully you into telling me so good try baldie. Is it what I want? Like I have been always saying a girl?” Mel and Jen are not giving me much “this will be my only baby, and I pray for a healthy baby but a girl, just let it be? I mean I won’t be upset but still, just a mini me, you know” I want them to give me something, they ain’t giving me shit “soon, Mexico and the family. We going to reveal it, have a little get together. It will be cute, stop being annoying. Then we can have a baby shower in London, or shall we go Spain? I don’t know but we going to party, every day with you” Jen said, but I don’t want that I just would like to know what it is “mom! You said you have a feeling, what is the feeling!” getting off of the bed “look at my stomach shape and tell me?” turning to the side “baby, can’t you just wait. I don’t know what it is” rolling my eyes “just a guess, come on? You always do this, you say oh the stomach is this shape so it’s whatever” my mom is annoying when she does it to every one else “ok, ok. I think” she squinted her eyes “a boy” my mom pointed “ok, her opinion is irrelevant now” I joked “any more takers, what are we saying?” I got everyone looking at me now, hearing a mixture of girl and boy “so girl then, thank you” I laughed to myself “but if it’s a boy then there is always adoption, I am joking. I just want my baby healthy so don’t mind me” sitting back down on the edge of the bed.

I caught myself falling asleep but for the lighter in my hand, it was too late. It already slipped out of my hand and onto the ground floor. Moving back from the balcony, I didn’t realise I was falling asleep but another day at the Brown house. I need to finish off my art downstairs now, walking back into my bedroom. Placing my feet in my slides as I closed my bedroom door, I was supposed to go to Gunna’ party tonight but I declined, I wasn’t in the mood but I think “here they are” I stopped to say to myself, the niggas are back home, I mean my home “good party?” jumping down the last of the stairs nearly falling down but I caught myself “it was, got some girls back. They wanted to come” nodding my head “step right up, mobiles that side, papers on the other side. Then we can all have fun is that you? Krista? Oh wow, you still riding in the back of niggas cars now” Krista walked over to me “shut up” hugging her “you still the same old Chris, sign the papers” I laughed stepping back from the hug “well I got to be, but you still need to sign the papers. Keep your mobile though” winking at her “oh privileges then? I see how it is” she walked off, watching her walk off with the other girls, about seven others. Hoody hit my arm “she asked to come here” he said in a whisper “she missed the D, they all do” I laughed walking off.

Blunt for breakfast and it hasn’t even hit nine yet “your home is amazing, like with all the new graffiti. You haven’t just done random things like always” moving the blunt back, placing the spray can on the ground “I try” blowing the smoke out from my lips “you not going in the pool like the rest? Showcasing booties for the niggas to want?” I pointed laughing “why do I need to do that when you already seen it” she got a point “they doing that for you Chris, you know that” I shrugged “better off going with someone I remember, vaguely. It wasn’t memorable” Krista side eyed me “just like Amikka, you remember that too” I blew out air all wide eyed “to be fair I don’t actually remember many pussies I’ve had. Select few” Krista laughed “nothing has changed with you Chris, wow. I actually just came to see you, I am not jumping in no pool and showing my ass” nodding my head “then it was pointless you coming” looking over at the girls in the pool “they all sucking and licking on each other too, damn. But, let me mind my business, it was good you come out though. You can relax here or whatever” let me go back to my spray painting.

I was shocked to see Krista still here, I guess it is because Amikka gone “still here?” sitting down on the couch across from her “problem?” shaking my head “nope, why though? You dogged me out?” I mean she did “rich coming from you, you were having several women on the go, I was done. I thought you were with Amikka, so yeah” shaking my head “I have always been single, I show love. People don’t get that” my phone vibrated in my pocket “oh is that what it is, but she said you was with her” getting my phone out from my pocket “nope” seeing a Instagram message from Mel, this is not like her. Tapping on the message and unlocking my phone “least she is back where she belongs, Germany” I just laughed reading the message from Mel, squinting my eyes ‘Come to the Diamond Ball, plus one (Mijo) of course but you’re invited if you would like to come. You’re with me, let me know’ I am confused, Melissa is inviting me to an event where niggas are stuck up their own ass, I don’t fuck with any of those people and on top of that Robyn is foul so no, let me message back nicely, I don’t want to see her face after that night ‘I love you Mel, you my sister FOREVER but Robyn is foul. She KNOW what she did, if she wants her drunken talks with sex tell her go elsewhere, not blaming you! Trust me, I have other plans either way’ pressing send on the message “you seem angry?” Krista asked “women are not nice, that is all” locking my phone and placing it to the side of me, I won’t be seeing that, full of fake industry people that don’t like me but smile in my face, this is why I don’t go to award shows, fuck that. Robyn loves that shit and is too far up their asses to even see real, I’m not that.

[firelord-frowny]

Hey here’s a story about why worrying about fatness is dumb. 

I’m a 26 year old ~female-bodied~ person, about five feet and eightish or nineish inches tall. I weigh about 155 pounds, which is prolly the heaviest I’ve ever been. Here’s a recent full-body image of me. 

So like. Visually, there’s nothing outstanding about my condition. Not stick thin. Not plump. 

But I eat the World’s Worst Diet. Junk food galore. Baked goods. I’m hugely averse to bitter tastes and have next-to-no discipline, so it’s hard for me to get even a miminal amount of veggies into my diet. 

I get very little physical activity. My crappy lifestyle habits are severe and pervasive, but I’m slowly but surely improving on them one step at a time. Yay me! 

One of those steps I took was to get a fitbit. Yes, I know there are plenty of reasons for why fitness trackers may be ~problematic.~ That’s not the point. According to my fitbit, my ~cardio fitness~ level is currently in the “poor-fair” range. This is entirely unsurprising. My resting heart rate is in the high 80s (it was a bit lower pre-quarantine, but has gone up since i’ve been sitting around more). 

Converse to my crappy fitness level, my mommy, who’s an Older Lady, is a fuckin ROCKSTAR when it comes to her general health and fitness. She’s no athlete, but her stamina and strength are incredible. She doesn’t do any intense exercise, but she does stay committed to doing a bit of light cardio almost every day. Very light, as in there’s no jumping or running or anything. Just power walking. She’s also always been a thinner person - she’s slightly shorter than me, and slightly lighter weight. 

Anyway, she’s in tremendously decent shape. 

Since I upgraded to a new fitbit for my christmas present to myself, I gave her my old fitbit. 

As I was showing her around the app on her phone, I went to the lil cardio page, and told her, “Oh wow, your restinng heart rate is 63 bpm!” She goes, “Is that good?” So I navigate to the page where it explains that 63bpm places her in the ~excellent~ range for her age group. And I was all, yay for you, mommy!! I’m so proud and happy!

She asked what my range was, and I told her: Lmao I’m in poor-fair. My resting heart rate is too fast. It’s like 88 bpm. 

So she gawks! She gawks and she goes, “What?? But that’s what happens to fat people!” 

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OBVIOUSLY NOT???? OBVIOUSLY YOU CAN BE FAT AND BE MORE FIT THAN A THINNER PERSON!!!! OBVIOUSLY YOU CAN BE THINNER AND STILL BE IN PISS POOR HEALTH!!!!

My mommy has always been somebody who still buys into the falsehood that a person’s percieved fatness necessarily has anything to do with their health, and now for the first time it’s finally occurred to her that that’s not the case. That just because a person looks like they’re a “healthy weight” doesn’t mean that they aren’t adversely affected by shitty lifestyle choices. You can be thin and have high cholesterol. You can be thin and have high blood pressure. You can be thin and diabetic. Thin and have pcos. Being thin does not mean you can be healthy in spite of eating nothing but fried shit and sugar. It just means that you’re unhealthy and thin at the same damn time!! 

And I am SURE that there are plenty of fabulous fat folks in the world who are twice my size but can absolutely get through an intense cardio workout that would leave me gasping for air 90 seconds in. Plenty of fabulous fat folks who eat healthy, nutritious diets, and who stay hydrated, and who are energetic and strong. 

The moral of this story: Stop thinking that you can learn anything at all about a person’s health or lifestyle just by looking at them. Just because a person is thinner doesn’t mean they’re in good health, and just because a person is fatter doesn’t mean they’re unhealthy. 

Just mind ya business.

also even if a person IS unhealthy that’s still not a reason to be an asshole to them like wow just grow up and be nice. 

[perylinsus]

Rant

Rant Contents-

Perming hair

Dyeing hair

Cutting hair

Getting piercings

Body weight

Tattoos

CONTAINS ENOUGH HATE AND UN-NEEDED CRITICISM TO LAST MILLIONS OF LIFE TIMES.

Okay, so this rant is gonna be weird as fuck, since it's about my hair and some piercings, but listen as I start talking about my hair. It's weird. It's straight somedays, curly on others, wavy on the others, and a combination of all three, though most of the time it's straight. It's also very, very, very thick and oily. Now, being in the end of my 3rd quarter of 8th grade, I keep telling people at school that I plan on getting a perm over the summer, since everyone is counting the days till then. But when I say perm, I mean tight-curls perm. Not even curls, more along the lines of coils. But everytime. Every. Single. Time. I say anything about getting a perm to someone with wavy/curly hair, they complain about how hard it is and how it'll be so much harder for me since; I'm not used to curly hair, my hair is too thick and/or my hair is super oily. All I want to do is turn and just fucking snap.

The only fucking reason my hair is straight and oily is because of the lice treatments I had to go through. I had those assholes all up on my head for 5 years straight. When I was a kid, I had to straighten my fucking hair everyday just to get it to cooperate. When I was a kid, I was fucking mistaken for a different race. My hair has always been thick, it was always silky and soft and it was in tight ass curls up until I was 5 or 6. I've experienced curly hair my entire life cause my step sister adopted triplet girls with hair that was on the verge of being kinky, but was still considered curly. I do their hair every fucking morning to this damn day. I have since they were adopted at 3 years old and that was 8 years ago. I was in my first year of having lice (I took precautions to make sure they didn't get lice. Luckily, it worked cause they never did).

I wanna fucking snap when people say to not get my hair permed into tight curls cause I won't be able to take care of them. I take care of curly hair every damn morning, 4 AM sharp, listening to babies cry when I only get 2 hours of sleep cause of my damn homework. Everything's good. I cope now, I will always fucking cope.

Two more factors make the complaining worse. Before I perm my hair, I'm getting it colored. Again, more complaining. Things like, "You'll damage your hair!" Or "Why would you color your hair, it's already so pretty." I might be doing two different colors, they might be bright and because of that, I have to bleach and color my hair. Don't get pissed because I don't wanna have basic brunette bitch hair like you (that's aimed at one person, not all brunettes. I luh u). I want to die my hair because I can. I'll perm my hair afterwards because my cousin, aunt and grandma, certified hair dressers, told me it was okay. I'm tryna live my life so back the fuck up.

Next thing, I wanna cut it, too. Before getting a perm, but after coloring it, I'm gonna try and get an undercut. More. Fucking. Complaining. "Sweetie, if you wanna color and cut your hair, you can't perm it. It'll look weird. I've tried it." Bitch. Does it look like I care about what you tried. You're pale, skinny and you have some fake ass lookin blonde hair. I am, on the other fucking hand, a delicious hunk of chubby Mexican (I'm trying to love myself more. Don't judge me). Me and you, we're completely different. I have an ass, some tits and some fat around my waist. You look like a sheet of horny construction paper (that shit feels weird...idk what y'all feel like, I swear). People may retaliate with;

"I'm not saying you'll be ugly, I'm saying curly hair and undercuts don't go well together." What if my main goal is to look ugly? To put shame to my last name (that rhymed bruh). Idgaf what you think. I'm cutting my hair, I'm coloring my hair and I'm perming this shit. I fucking live for coloring my hair, I've done it for the entirety of my middle school life. I miss having an undercut. Living in Florida with some dark ass, thick hair is hard, so the less hair, the easier my life (less shampoo and conditioner too). And my curly hair. I want that shit back. I didn't hate it then, but I also didn't love it, but. I. Want. It. Back.

So, with my hair, back tf up. Now some piercings.

My uncle does piercings for people. Yeah, total fucking pothead, but he's chill and good at his 3 steady jobs. He said, once I get old enough, he'd give me good quality piercings. Because we moved away from him, down to Florida (that was 5 years ago btw. I had ear piercings then. I also temporarily moved up to Michigan for like half a year, when he promised me), he hasn't given me my piercings yet. Over a video call, since he's overseas helping a friend move into a new house, he asked me what piercings I wanted so when he got back (I'd be halfway through my first quarter of freshman year) he could give me my piercings.

As many as I want, for no price at all. He's self employed so it's no problem, however my face/head area is all he'll do. I'm okay with it bc that's all I want. I tell him, with my bff and her bf sitting next to me. Her bf has his friend with him so he can hear me too, obviously. I say both ears and lips, possibly nose. My uncle says ok. He asks me what kind I'm considering for my ears. I say; standard lobe, upper lobe, helix and industrial. That's another ok. Then for my lips. I say; angel bites, snake bites, spider bites or shark bites. Again. Another okay. Then he asks for my nose. I say septum or nostril but the nose piercings weren't definitive. Again. That's okay.

My mom knows about this and she's okay with it. I'm my own person and what I choose to do needs to be dealt with by me. I face my mistakes, or I suffer. I choose to take some pretty bad ending risks but I learned. That's always been my lesson and it won't change. Face the consequences. My bff asks if she could get the same deal as I did. He says no but that he could lower the price significantly. She says okay, definitely happy, and her bf asks the same, getting the same response as my bff (he's cool with piercings. He had some. He just wants more). Now, my bff's bf's friend starts criticizing us, specifically me. We hate eachother so it was expected.

But this asshole. THIS ASSHOLE. Had the audacity to insult me on my choice of piercings. He's anti everything. Anti gays, anti abortion (this one is agreeable), anti Muslim, he's HORRIBLE (his personality filters into this. Believe what you want but if your personality is too evident in your opinion, DO NOT TALK TO ME. Especially if you're stuck up). I'm learning makeup atm so he goes down that road and calls me an ugly whore who deserves to die on the streets. Nice. But...same thing with the hair. I WILL DO WHATEVER I FUCKING WANT TO. IDGAF ABOUT YOUR OPINION. Don't criticize me because I want to get tons of piercings. He went down the path of racism, too, and called me a typical Hispanic bitch. Rebellious and dumb. I have nothing to say to this other than get tf out of my house. I turn to my friends and tell them if they agree with him to leave with him. They're actual friends so they stayed but he had to find his way home in the pouring rain. Don't be an ass to innocent people cause Karma's a bitch.

Anyway, I was called a hippy, spic, typical druggie, shitty person and retard (this word isn't taken lightly in my family. Don't call people that shit).

You know what, let's rant some more.

I'm a chunky motherfucker. I way well over 100 lbs but I ain't too close to 200. I'm almost 14 and I'm kinda short. Still growing, but short.

I have lots of body fat. Obese, depends on your definition of it. Fat, yes, but I can still rock some tight clothes better than anyone else. I've embraced my body fat. Yes, I'm currently researching healthy, lemme repeat, healthy ways to get rid of it, but I've embraced it and I now tell myself I'm cute whether people like it or not. It's strange since I've never done it before but it helps with depression.

Anyway, I'm chubby but I'm working on it. I need to glow up to rock my bullies' motherfucking worlds. This dude, idek who he was, comes up, calls me fat and walks away. I turn around and yell fuck you or fuck off or some shit like that. I'm making my way to class and this other kid trips me. When I hit the ground, he screams earthquake and runs.

I get up and walk my way to class like a civil person. Eventually, my mom, who works at my school, has to take me to the hospital cause I couldn't get up and leave my class at the end of the day. Why, you may ask? Well, I had;

minor whiplash

a sprained wrist

Scrapes on my knee that were so bad, they'll probably scar

My day sucked before that so it only got worse. Besides that, the whiplash is gone, my sprained wrist is healing nicely and it's just my knees that are still fucked up.

All that trouble because some bastard wanted to fuck with me cause I'm chubby. Stop being dicks everyone, unless that's your nickname.

Finally, the last topic. Tattoos. My other uncle, the twin brother of my piercings uncle, is a tattoo artist. Game addict, too, but, like, srsly, unhealthily addicted.

Anyway, if I can't do college, I have a guaranteed spot as a tattoo designer in his parlor. I'm trying to plan for college so it might not happen but, you never know. Besides that, he gave me a deal. As many tattoos as I want, for no price. All because I'm his only blood niece.

I said hell fucking yeah (I got a shoe thrown at me for it). He said as long as I designed them, he'd give me them. Okay, not too bad since I'm a 14 year old with college level art. First, though, I had to tell him what type I wanted. I said I wanted tribal, illustrative and possibly neo traditional.

I have designs for my illustrative tattoos. One for each important person in my life. My older brother, my younger brother, my mom, my grandma, my bff and my 1st dog. I was gonna try and do one for my husband/wife when and if I get married but I was warned about tattooing names of people I'm not related to on my body. Again, I might still do it. Anyway, those are for my illustrative tattoos. Then, comes my tribal tattoos.

I plan on asking my bestfriend and my mom to choose from a set of Moon Glyphs, which symbols best represent me. Whichever common ones they choose, will be hidden in a tribal tattoo on my ribcage. I also want a tribal on the top of my forearm and a tribal band around my bicep. I may just get arrows on the inside of my other forearm.

Neo traditional will probably be a worn down banner with flowers that has a saying in it. In another language, most likely, but there'll be a saying.

Anyway, I told my uncles this and my tattoo artist uncle said he was perfectly okay with it. My mom was chill with it, too, so everything was good. Until my great grandmother got ahold of the information. So many vulgarities.

Anyway, don't be a shithead when it isn't necessary. Let people learn from their own mistakes when said mistakes are revocable.

Luv ya and thanks for reading.

[alvadee]

victor really lost so much weight 1970/71. i know, i’ve said it before. i don’t have exact numbers but from what he said and comparing photos we’re probably talking of around 150 pounds. The next ca 7 years he stayed between 250 and 330 pounds which for a man of his height (6′4′’) really isn’t that bad.

(Beneath the Planet of the Apes (1970) & The Wrath of God (1972))

and you know why he still gets remembered as being very heavy, like at his King Tut times in the late 60s? Because during the years he was slimmer, aka the early and mid 70s, he just did TV and theater. The only big motion picture he was in during that time was “The Wrath of God”. 

Just talking about it because I read two days ago that this was the main reason why he didn’t get roles in big productions anymore. they told his manager they preferred his “Old Look”. which i suspected but, damn it made me... really mad.

i mean, i don’t prefer relatively svelte victor over heavier victor. not from a looks point of view or a morally one. it is nice to know though that it was true when he said he was happy being fat and he could diet himself down if needed, he just didn’t want to. bcs it’s really rare to hear from someone who is fat and genuinely happy. anyway. he went a lot up and down with his weight since the beginning of his career. like really, A LOT. there’s barely a year where he stayed at the same weight. he’d gain weight for roles and then crash diet down again, when he did stage acting he also usually lost some weight naturally and there are obviously also personal reasons, like that in the summer heat his appetite wasn’t as big and such. in short, his weight was basically constantly fluctuating which we know now is unhealthier than staying at the same weight (yes, even if it is high). he got himself thoroughly checked though by doctors every year and as he said they were always astounded at how healthy he was. 

Victor’s only comment I could find on why he decided to loose more weight this time and keep it off more permanently was in a newspaper from Oct 1971: “I love food but I love applause more. So I want to replace one with the other and add an extra 20 years to my career. At 33, I shouldn’t be tired enough for it to affect my work at the end of the day.” He feels he could continue down the scale from 300 pounds but he probably won’t. “What would I do with myself at 190 pounds?”

i guess what makes me mad is that he probably sacrified his health by constantly gaining and loosing weight for his job and still got mocked for his weight (like every fat person is) and when he got thinner his career suffered. but it doesn’t matter because four years before his death he gained most of the weight back (idk why, could be personal reasons, for example his mother died, for his career or for no reason at all). so because of that i still have to read sometimes articles about him where, even though the writer clearly likes him as an actor, they write about his untimely death at 43 from a heart attack like it was obviously his payback for being fat. i really hate the smugness that often comes across when they do that. 

i’m not saying that didn’t play any role in his early death, that would be naive but i hate the attitude that when fat people die strangers always seem to become a doctor/coroner and know for a fact that being fat killed them. i mean, victor also smoked a lot. that could have played a role. or the damn weight fluctuantions! and it’s not like thin middle aged men aren’t also constantly dropping dead from heart issues out of nowhere. and again, victor got himself regulary checked. i’m pretty sure if he knew he had to change something about his lifestyle to stay healthy he would have. i just wish they’d talk about his untimely death as tragic as it was without always pointing at his weight as way of adding “he had it coming tho”. luckily not all do it, some are very respectful, but the ones that do really irk me.

[stefandesofia]

Stories from the Unliving Ch 4

“So you’re the girl, huh? I have to say, quite a looker. I was really expecting worse, knowing the guy there, but hey, glad to be proven wrong!”

“I would really appreciate you not insulting me, thank you for that” said the young man. “She’s real intelligent and was very curious about meeting you”

“I bet! I’m not your run of the mill, pond-dwelling skeleton, that you meet in most other lakes. No, I also have some pretty fat fish too!”

“No need to be aggressive like that, she just wants to talk to you”

“Fine, fine, sorry. What did you want to talk about? ...... Hello?”

“She actually can’t speak, and uses her little writing board to communicate”

“Ah, sorry, my bad. But yeah, just write your messages and I’ll just work with that. ...... Ah yeah, I don’t know my name, don’t remember it any more. I already explained this to your friend here, but I’ve been alive for over 30.000 years, so a lot of the early stuff is gone. Stuff like who I was, family, friends, but after meeting soooo very many people, doing soooo many things, nothing gets left. It’s like, the more I learn, and experience, the closer the cutoff gets. The first thing I remember, at this point is when my flesh had just started to decay”

“He speaks the truth, but even still, he remembers so many others! He is a veritable academy’s worth of knowledge.”

“Sure, why not. ...... I mean, I live here, it’s my home, I don’t need to breathe or eat, or whatever, so I’ve made my home at the bottom of the pond here. I moved in here about 7000-8000 years ago, I had a house, actually, right over there, but decided that the upkeep on that is way more than I can be bothered with, so instead, I carved some stone furniture, and pushed it in the water, the house just degraded over time, and by now, the only thing you can see left of it, is that stone over there. That was my fireplace. Never even used the thing, it was just for aesthetics”

“I never realised you had a house here. I had assumed you’ve always lived in the pond itself. What made you go under the water?”

“Folk like you, actually. Or, I guess, how you were. Swords and armor, and ‘begone foul beast’ while I was just chilling on my porch. ...... I mean, I can’t die, so why would I fight back? Furthermore, I’m a pacifist, and I really try to be non-confrontational, sort of, you don’t mess with me and I don’t mess with you. And honestly, even if you do mess with me, as long as you don’t go too far, I won’t be doing much.”

“But what about your honor? Do you not feel the need to defend what you stand for? Why, if someone were to attack my home, I would pick up a sword and punish the person myself!”

“I’m sure you will. But again, non-confrontational, and I just don’t care too much. Obviously, you try messing with my fish, I will mess you up. I have stuff that you primitives can only dream of, and even then. ...... No offence, it’s just very high technological level. Even I only get the general idea of how it works. Something about deionizing your atoms, doesn’t ‘cut’ in the traditional sense, but more like, takes you apart when getting close to the edge. ...... Nah, haven’t used it in a long time. Last I did was for carving the stone furniture down at the bottom. It works on almost everything that the blade approaches.”

“It sounds like a mighty weapon! If that got into the wrong hands, it could mean disaster for maybe a whole kingdom!”

“I mean, yeah, but they have to actually come here, go through me, dive to the bottom of my pond, which isn’t very shallow, I’ll have you know, get the blade, and then still fight their way through to using it. ...... Nah, I don’t think I will, it’s perfectly safe where it is. I mean, only the two of you know about it, so if someone else was to find out, I’ll know who to blame.”

“I would never betray your trust like that!”

“It’s happened before, it will happen again. It’s human nature. But it doesn’t bother me too much. Always expect the worst and you can never be disappointed, I always say. ...... You’re dark! I’m a realist! And besides, I have my fish, and yeah, technically they mostly just are here for the food and the great environment I’ve created for them here, but they can’t betray you, since, you know. They’re fish. Yes, you Pete Liv! ...... Oh, this is Pete Liv. Say ‘Hi’ Pete Liv. ...... His called Pete, but he is the 54th Pete that I’ve had, so Roman numerals, that’s LIV.”

“What’s a Roman?”

“Errr, they used to be this real big empire thing a looooong time ago. I really don’t remember the details any more. I think someone stabbed someone else? Maybe the other way around? Who cares? Think it might have been over the throne.”

“Any good kingdom would never follow someone who took the throne by stabbing the previous leader! It’s just undignified and downright evil! The people will never trust a person who relies on violence to lead them!”

“Congratulations, you just discovered the basis for democracy. ...... That’s a way of governing people where basically, anyone eligible puts their name down on a list and the people get to choose who they like most. Supposedly it isn’t rigged, but there’s always someone paying for votes. ...... Well, if you’re the previous president, you’d want to keep being that, since you get quite a lot of benefits from it, and the pay’s nothing to shake a stick at. So, with your vast amounts of money that you have from, well, being you, you just invest a very small portion, and pay out enough people to tip the scales in your favor, so you keep staying in power, and you keep getting all the benefits and money, and whatever.”

“I am getting confused now. Is this system a good thing or not?”

“It’s complicated. You’ll get to it eventually, but from what I can tell you’re still pretty early in the development, so monarchy it is! ...... Well, I’m still alive, but I get your question. Don’t remember, to be honest with you. I’d guess we went through a bunch of different options. There was likely a monarchy, democracy, tyranny. Dunno, maybe some others. I’ve seen quite a few governments after that, that had all sorts of varied styles. I told your friend here about that time I was an evil overlord, and put forth an age of prosperity for all involved. Until I got bored, anyways.”

“It’s true, It was an amazing tale to behold!”

“There was just so much infighting, and the previous ruling class, hoo boy, they weren’t happy I overthrew them all and made them all potato farmers. Apart from me, literally, everybody else was equal. Everybody got an equal amount of food for free, everybody got an equal living space for free, equal pay, equal everything. Took a while to tear everything down, and the people with the big houses, they really didn’t like me. But you get used to conformity. It’s easy to have everything provided for you.”

“The way you put it, that reminds me a little of the tyranny that you mentioned.”

“It wasn’t like anybody was suffering, I had knowledge of past ages, of more advanced medicine, that I implemented, so everyone was unnatural healthy for the age that they were in. I remember, one time they brought in a guy that was bitten by an animal. Foaming at the mouth, super excitable, trying to break free, clearly rabies. And the people were basically asking me if they should let him in the woods so he can die without causing trouble for anyone else. I just laughed, took a syringe with the vaccine and injected him. Within a few hours he had calmed down, and within a few days, he was back to farming potatoes, or whatever it is he was doing”

“That was a very good thing to do, helping a man. We have this same illness in our time too, but we call it Mad Eyes, because of the look people get when they catch it. It’s amazing that you can heal it! You would be able to save so many people, if you wanted to!”

“Nah, not in the superhero business any more. I had that phase for a while, but got over it pretty quickly. Did you know everyone just expects heroes to do their heroing just because? And without any form of compensation? I didn’t really mind, since I didn’t need to eat or had the need for money, other than just fixing what was broken from my equipment, but someone that needed to eat, pay rent? They couldn’t keep a regular job because of all the time from it they’d had to miss. So that whole thing was short lived.”

“But you had the opportunity to save people, and do the ultimate good! Why would you give that up?”

“Ultimate good doesn’t buy toys! I didn’t just sit in some cave staring at the bats on the ceiling until I would hear someone calling. I had hobbies, and did things. And volunteer work doesn’t pay for a new graphics card. ...... Old technology, but somehow always gets inventent. Guess it’s real perfect in the way it works. I’m sure in, oh, I’d say, 7-800 years, you lot will also have those. too. But when I said ‘always gets invented’ that reminded me, did you know crabs have evolved over 15 times, completely separately from each other. It’s like nature really wants those things around. I just imagine Mother Nature being like this breen nerdy chick in an oversized turtleneck sweater, and she’s totally obsessed with this cute little crab picture with shiny eyes and everything, so she just keeps making them, just having crabs everywhere. ...... You don’t know what a crab is?”

“We’ve never heard of such an animal! What manner of mighty beast is it?”

“Ha, I wouldn’t exactly call them beasts, but picture these 2 large blacksmith tongs on its forelegs, and another 6 legs that look like spikes, 3 on each side, with a squat little body, and everything is covered in this real hard armor. You really never heard of them?”

“They sound terrifying, why, even I might be taken aback by such a foe!”

“Less of a foe, and more of a dinner, to tell you the truth. They were pretty good, as far as I remember, though I haven’t exactly tasted them in a very long time, so who knows. You know, I haven’t exactly seen any around either, so they might have gone extinct in the time I’ve spent here. Imagine Mother Nature grew bored of the things after some time, ha! But I’m speaking too much, you guys tell me something, how did you meet?”

“Oh, that’s a wonderful tale! I had just arrived into town, armor shined, and chin high. You know, this is my first real adventure, as I have only trained before.”

“That would explain you actually talking to me. All the old grizzled veterans really just went to kill me usually with a yell that is supposed to be scary, but honestly, it’s just stupid, flailing about like madmen.”

“Of course, noone benefits from a shout in combat and you would only distract yourself by doing so, it is the basics of armed combat.”

“I personally prefer the completely silent approach, where I just wipe the floor with the opponent, without so much as saying a single word. That way the victory is sweeter! ...... Ah yeah, sorry, you were saying?”

“Ahem, yes, and I was looking for work. At first, everyone would walk past me, not looking at me. Even in the tavern, I would only get single word responses from the owner. It was likely how young I look, and noone trusted in my skills.”

“I have to say, you do have quite the baby face”

“Well, I was getting desperate, and it was soon becoming night time. I had just stuffed my pack under my head and trying to go to sleep on a bench in the town center, when she walked by! She was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen! Her hair - perfectly styled, the dress - waving behind her, her eyes - reflecting the street lights. My mouth was agape! Then I saw a shadow following her. It was a hooded figure, but it was clearly a man. I decided I would follow. The figure was just staying out of sight for her, and me - out of sight for him. Eventually, she was about to go home, when I saw the man rush towards her, taking out a dagger. I acted before I could think, drawing my blade and throwing it at the man, who got pierced, let out a loud yell, alerting everyone of his presence, and most importantly, alerting her. ...... Aw, think nothing of it, I would have done it for anyone, but for you, it gave me great joy to be able save you, as I did. But she was quite terrified, so she rushed inside.”

“And you just kinda, killed a guy, and happy end?”

“Not exactly. While I was cleaning my sword, some city watch arrived, and questioned me about what had happened. Apparently, the man was a well known tanner, and he was doing a good job at what he did, and I was just a stranger that had walked into town and had killed a person. Well, things were starting to get fiery, when she came out, and defended me! Using her little board, she explained to the guards what had happened, and how I saved her. They let it go, and took the body away, while she invited me over for dinner and she let me stay the night, in front of her fireplace, so I don’t freeze outside.”

“Well, that was sweet of you. He was a stranger to you, a guy with a bloody sword, essentially, yet you defended him. Not many people would do something like that... ...... No no, Just thinking out loud. Do you guys have any plans for the evening?”

“Yes, we will be having dinner in this eatery hall in town - The Black Goose. I’ve heard that they have this special type of roast, where they first boil the whole cleaned goose in lard and herbs for 4 hours, and then roast it on an open flame so it gets this well roasted outside, and I have just been anticipating going there.”

“What do you think? ...... Yeah, it does sound a little heavy, but maybe they have some vegetables they made in the lard. Good luck on your date!”

“I am not familiar with that word, but we will make sure to enjoy our outing, won’t we?”

“You do that! And tell me how the duck is tomorrow!”

“We’ll bring some back for you.”

“You do realise I can’t actually eat it, right? Like, I have no mouth”

“It matters not, as I like to say, what truly matters is that the people close to you, paid you mind.”

“A little clunky and long, don’t you think? Wouldn’t ‘It’s the thought that counts’ work better? Same meaning, just a little shorter”

“Hmm, I do prefer my version better, but I thank you for your input. I truly do value it! Well, we’re off! We’ll see you later!”

[landoftheoutsiders]

Day 3: Therapy Sessions

Wow. Guys. We have made it three whole days. I’m proud of us. And by us, I mean me. And by made it, I mean actually keeping up with this stream of conscious thing. I’m surprised that I haven’t completely given up on this thing yet. It’s actually, dare I say--fun. Lets see how long I can keep this thing going. 

     Today was fairly productive. Kind of. I went to class. That’s my definition of productive. I’m trash. Today we went over the three scenes that I’m not in, and then we had one volunteer blindly pick a story to portray as a monologue. They didn’t pick my story, but it was a very interesting metaphor that the guest professor had. Basically, it was that we need to realize that every character we portray in our career as an actor is a “real” story that is being told--its up to us to make their story come to life. I thought it was really insightful, and I think remembering that will help me in my career going forward while learning new characters and memorizing their stories.       As for the rest of my day, I watched a movie, took a nap, and went to my last experiential group. That shit was bittersweet. I remember going to the treatment center literally counting down the days until I was discharged. Now? I don’t know... I looked forward to the groups. It was something fairly positive that was also productive in a safe environment. I guess I have the productive part with school--with my university being in the heart of downtown, I don’t think that safe really is the best word to describe the campus. It’s more dangerous at night, but lets be honest... with all the school shootings going around in our God forsaken country, I’d be naive to believe a campus is the safest place to be. People be crazy.       Enough of the sappy shit. I actually am happy that tomorrow is my last day. I can’t keep spending $200+ on groups every week because of the community. I need to find that community in a cheaper place--preferably a free place lmao. I am, however,  very excited to shell out my really good friend from our shared group. I believe that Mindfulness is actually the group where I first met her. Her name on here shall be Tree. Tree knows who she is. (She follows this blog because she “likes the way I write.” Me too, Tree. Me too). Jesus fucking christ, I ramble like a mother fucker. I can’t wait to read her shell out to her. It is going to be full of inside jokes, rent quotes, and sprinkled with heartfelt nuggets of emotion. It will be a shit show, and I’m looking forward to it. There are so many new people, and they are all going to be 100% done with both of us, but Tree and I have worked far too hard to make sure we shell out on the same day. We’ve been planning on breaking out together.       Therapy today was a thing. I feel more vulnerable than usual. I need a name for my therapist. I guess we can call him Pink. Our ongoing joke while he was an intern at the center was that on Wednesdays, we’d wear pink. Out of maybe a month and half of him being my individual, we only actually both wore pink on Wednesday once. Honestly, he’s the best therapist I’ve ever had. So Pink was asking me the usual questions... how my restriction had been this week, if I had weighed myself, how my meals were going... and then he hit me with, “Why are we restricting? Is it because you’re forgetting to eat, or is it defiant?” Here’s how that conversation went: Me: Its honestly about 50/50 between the two. Pink: What is the thought behind the defiant restriction? Me: I’m not sure. Pink: It has to be something... usually its that “I want to lose weight... if I restrict, I’ll be stronger... etc.” Me: *long pause and deep fucking breath* I want to lose weight. Pink: Okay, so walk me through a day with your meals. Me: Well... I mean.. I wake up around 9:45, and go to work around 10:10... I’m hungry, but lunch is only a few hours away, so its not a big deal. Pink: Rian, that is t h r e e hours. Your body will be hungry again for lunch... Me: ... I just drink coffee... it helps... Pink: *visible frustration* I KNOW. I KNOW IT HELPS. 

     Ohhhhh the shit I put this poor man through. He really is helpful though. We also figured out tonight that right now I’m restricting because I want to feel more comfortable in my body. Which raised the question of where do I not feel comfortable. The answer to that would be my apartment. It feels so hostile there. I still need to explain that fuckshow to you guys. I’ll make that a separate post for length’s sake... we’re already getting pretty long with this post. Anywho, long story short, Pink wants me to talk to my roommate that I have issues with. She reached out to me earlier this week, and I honestly just don’t trust her motives. I think she’s finally realizing that she did something shitty, feels bad, wants to talk it out, and only wants to do so because she feels guilty. I genuinely think she is only trying to clear her conscious.       Maybe I will talk to her. Simply just to explain why I haven’t moved back into our apartment since our falling out. I feel so unwanted, and regardless of the fact that I’m not really wanted in our apartment, I still have the right to be treated like a decent human being with emotions (no matter how emotionless I try to be). I did nothing wrong--nothing major anyways. Again, I’ll explain this in a different post if you want to know about that drama.       My main concern is where I am going to be living come June 1st. I’m trying not to stress out because everything will work out for the best (hopefully), but I can’t help but catastrophize the situation and come to the conclusion that my stuff will end up in a storage unit and I’ll just live out of my car until I find roommates. All of this came up when Pink asked what I planned on doing in the meantime. I didn’t have the heart to tell him that I genuinely felt I’d end up homeless by summer, but its fine. Everything is fine. I guess I could always crash on my friend’s couch at the end of the day, but I really don’t want to add any stress to her and her boyfriend. With Crashy, I at least know its only him I’m bothering if I am in fact even bothering him. God, all of this is making me need a cigarette and its fucking freezing outside. Even Pink though was like, “well... you have found yourself in a pickle, haven’t you?” Why yes Pink. Yes I have.       After group and therapy, I decided to go across the street to their res program to see a friend of mine. He tried to be real slick and say, “bye guys, I’m leaving and Rian is staying in my place.” The look of actual fear as if this scenario from hell was actually happening had to have been entertaining to the res staff lmao. I was talking to one of the ladies with my friend and we were talking about me leaving the day treatment center and she was like, “Oh you must be doing well with your eating disorder.” To which my response was obviously, “nope. Not even close. I’m just poor.” She had no comment for that one lol. My dark humour will hopefully take me places one day.      Once I left my friend, I went to Taco Bell and had my usual three tacos with six mild sauces and watched the latest Shane Dawson video. Shane is queen. Fucking love that guy. This week he made Ryland wear a fat-suit for a day so Ryland could understand how Shane felt in his younger years when he was obese. It took a very real, dark turn very quickly--and thankfully it was after I had already eaten my tacos. Shane was mentioning how he remembered being so out of energy that he didn’t even want to move or talk the moment he sat on a couch. While I have never been obese, I have been severely underweight, and that isn’t any easier--I completely related, and then fell down a very dark rabbit hole of body image issues and how I have a love/hate relationship with my new body. I like having boobs and an great ass, but I also would do  a n y t h i n g  to have my old body back from my lowest weight. Not many people know that about me... they think I’m doing so great with my “recovery” and that I’m living it up in the city with my friends and modeling while trying to find freelance jobs with acting, filming, and editing.       It just honestly made me want to take out the entire week’s worth of calories and just fucking starve myself until I got back into the 90s. I loved the way my body looked. The thinspo shit that I post? I looked like most of them. I miss that shit. I miss being envied for my body. I miss people asking me what I did to stay so thin (to which I always gave healthy advice). I miss being noticed the second I walked into a room--my old nurse says it was because I was scaring the hell out of everyone, but I like to think it was because they were like, “fuck... who is she.” There are so many things I miss about being that thin. Lets be honest here, it was never enough, because of course it will never be enough. Nothing will ever be enough for this god damned eating disorder... but I want to try.  I guess its a good thing I’m still being weight monitored because there is no way in hell that Pink will let me get anywhere close to where I was without having to go back to iop. Hell... if I did it quick enough, he’d probably send me over to res and I could go party it up with my friend who is in res right now. Or he can come visit me for a change lmao. Anyways, rant over. I’m going to go drown my sorrows in The Office and cookie dough. Fuck eating disorders.

-- Rian Dianna

[chefbarry]

The Foodie Files, The Final Chapter, Zucchini Bellpepper, Writer of Wrongdoing, Takes a Knee

My last case almost did me in. I was still having nightmares about it and my left big toe was broken for some reason I cannot recall. I don’t really want to get into it here, as I’m trying to move past it, or some other gobbledygook my therapist calls it, but it involved a large shipment of oysters that were way past their prime, the Reno chapter of the Chicago mob (more on that later), and an underage health inspector working his way through community college.

I’ve been thinking it’s time to retire, or whatever retired people do, when they go back into the workforce — run a sketchy private eye firm that moves offices every six months due to questionable arson and fake subpoenas and overdue bills that keep showing up in the mail — and then try to retire again. Take my gal, Raspberry Cardamom, on a long trip around southeast Asia, maybe even open up another office there in some old abandoned warehouse on the edge of sketch, but I’m digressing, and daydreaming again, or what my therapist calls, “dis-projecting”. My lady. She saves me from myself, I’m thrilled to know her — yet disturbed why she wants to hang with me — but I’m trying not to ask too many questions anymore.  

So, I had to move to Reno after the previous warehouse incident. I wasn’t even there at the time, but am being sued by my landlord now. I’m trying to work off the damages by helping his college dropout son get into the business. Another reason to skip town, more like skip country, close up shop, maybe write my memoirs, or at least eat a good taco. Plus, the Chicago mob has their eye on me for some reason. Maybe it’s that old hot dog case I never solved. I know it stirred things up back in the day when I was first getting gum on my shoe.

I had to leave before another fire broke out. My landlord would be happy to see me go anyway. There was a clause in the lease about maximum undesirables on the property in a given day, something my lawyer couldn’t even explain. I was packing up my things, and getting ready to seal the envelope with my office key, when they waltzed in. Three of them. Long multi-colored hair, nose rings, Crocs, and “the ‘tude”.

I said, “Sorry, I was just leaving, actually leaving for good, I don’t take any new appointments.  “Are you Zucchini Bell-something?”, one of the somber ones said. “Yes, I am”, I said, not bothering to correct her. “Who are you?” She spoke up, obviously taking the lead, “I’m Kite, these are my friends, Vikan and Paolo. We heard about you from Avocado Toast. She says you straightened things out for her, saved her from the paparazzi, and such.” Avocado used to be my secretary, and was best friends with Raspberry. If she recommended these stragglers, I could at least hear what they had to say.

The taller one, Vikan I think, spoke up. “We’re all from California, Orange County. Our parents all went to high school together, and we sort of all grew up together. Lately, we have been having some real problems with all the actors, musicians, fitness instructors, so-called nutrition experts, and models out there. We came here to get away, but we have to keep moving. We think they are following us. You’re our last hope, Zucchini!”

I sat down. “OK, what’s the problem?” I asked. Vikan continued, “So we all sort of are in this band, play small clubs from time to time, so a lot of people know us, but lately it’s been getting out of hand. After a set we get bombarded with crazed and scary-looking folks. They’re obviously not fans. They look hungry and angry.” “Describe them to me”, I said, getting intrigued. He said, “Well, they talk really fast, are not in the clubs to drink any alcohol, and don’t even snack on the free pretzels at the bar. They come over to us and start blaming us for waking up hungry, having nightmares, and one of them said on time, that she stared at her cats for too long one time, whatever that means.

“We’ve never seen these people before, and the celebrities started to have their people call our people, really our parents, to complain about something called self-cannibalism, cravings for Cuban food, and the boredom of lettuce wraps. We have no idea what they are talking about. We’re trying to put out some good music, and, sure we all eat at different restaurants, which we’ve always done, but...”

“Wait a minute!”, I said seeing where this was going, “I think I know what’s going on. Why don’t you all have a seat?” Paolo spoke up, “Do you really think you can help us? I mean, we have to get back to California, we have shows lined up, but are kind of scared to go back there.” I said, “Here’s what’s happening. I don’t think you know what kind of effect you have on the world at large.” Vikan got excited, “Do you mean our latest record? I know it’s just a demo, but wow!” “No”, I said, “This has nothing to do with music. It’s your names and what they are causing. Do you know why your parents gave you those names?” Paolo replied, “I mean they said they wanted to name us after something special that happened in their lives, but never really told us about it. They seem like normal names to us I guess.”

I went on, “You see there are these food fads that have been out for some time, and though they might help people at first, they aren’t sustainable, and can actually do some damage. Paolo, you were named after the Paleo Diet, which your parents probably were on at the time you were born. It’s very confusing, it’s supposed to mimic what humans ate during caveman times. It makes some good points about how agriculture wasn’t developed yet, and food was hunted and gathered for survival. But we have adapted since then, our digestive system has developed, our DNA has evolved, and there weren’t any food processors back then, so how did they make orange sesame sauce or zucchini noodles? Plus, there can be many vitamin deficiencies related to this diet, and high levels of saturated fat and protein, which can be toxic. Plus, I don’t trust any diets that say you can’t have hummus and pita chips.”

I turned to Kite next and said, “You have it a little harder, toots. Imagine being on a Paleo Diet, then being forced to live inside a garbage bag with no air circulation. You were named after the Keto Diet, sadly. This diet has everyone turning into zombies. It’s even more restrictive with higher levels of saturated fat and protein, and only the lowest-carbohydrate vegetables like lettuces, greens and broccoli. It forces your body to lose weight artificially from not only stored fat being used as fuel, but your body losing muscle and tissue mass as well. So, you think you are losing weight, but some of the weight is actually part of your body. After a couple weeks there could also be permanent liver and other organ damage. 

“A lot of these diets were created by “nutrition experts” that were trying to sell books and supplement programs, and not really concerned with an overall healthy lifestyle eating program. Plus, I don’t trust any diets that say you can’t have your morning oatmeal with blueberries, c’mon! I gotta keep regular ya know?!”

Vikan turned to me and said, “What about me, Zucchini? I mean my parents seem like they eat normally, we just don’t eat any meat or fish or seafood or turkey or dairy or eggs or anything fun. We seem to have a lot of potlucks, though, with foods that come in oval-shaped ceramic baking dishes. I love me a rockin’ scrambled tofu!”

I had texted my squeeze, Raspberry, after these scoundrels first walked in, and had her stand in line for a couple of hours at one of these joints that sells chicken sandwiches. I knew we’d be here awhile. I said to the group, “Well, certainly she was named after the Vegan Diet, which is virtually the opposite of both Paleo and Keto Diets, so I’m not sure how all your parents got along back in the day. While there is certainly nothing wrong with eating a mostly plant-based diet, with foods from every kingdom, including mushrooms, vegetables, fruits, legumes like lentils and peas, beans, sea vegetables, and whole grains, which I call “smart carbs”. These are slow-burning foods that don’t raise your blood sugar, and take a long time to digest, so your body uses the calories as fuel in a sensible and sustainable manner. 

“The problem is most people don’t eat all of these foods, or know where to buy them or how to cook them so that they taste really good. Plus, you have to eat complete proteins like quinoa, wild rice, and other grains mixed in with legumes, seeds, nuts, and beans to get a complete nutrition profile. Most vegans or vegetarians simply don’t eat any meat or other animal products, but are not necessarily making good food choices, like eating organic, local and sustainable whenever possible, or eating plant-based proteins, and a wide variety of foods.

I like to eat this way, but after a day’s work, I don’t have the time to cook for hours. I like to eat like a vegetarian, but with meat on top! And Raspberry, well, she tries, but we try to at least eat organic and so on. And... oh, look, here she is now!”

We were all starving at that point and dug into those controversial chicken sandwiches, even Vikan. I made a mental note to have a really good walnut salad for dinner. I looked around and thought, I know how we can get these kids back to California without anyone bothering them anymore. We made a plan. We called up all the agents and fitness instructors, and got them to agree to put these chicken sandwiches in everyone’s trailers, green rooms and lockers. This way, the aroma attacks them when they come back from training or performing, and they can’t resist. Afterwards, they’ll rethink their fad diets and come to their senses, fire their nutritionists, and even the vegans will have a cup of bone broth once in a while maybe.

I closed up the office for good this time for real. Said goodbye to our guests, and refused payment. I was good, clear-headed and ready for my next adventure. A couple days later I got a check in the mail from one of these chicken franchises thanking me for increasing their stock valuation. Raspberry and I took the money and, well, I can’t tell you where we’re going, because I think the nutritionists’ union is after me.

[apatheticmaplesyrup]

1-100

Thank you :D

This is gonna be a long post so continue at your own peril.

Is a kiss considered cheating?If it’s a proper snog, yeah.

Have you ever faked orgasm?Yeah.

If you could have one superpower, what would it be?Probably.

Do you think you are going to be rich in 7-8-9 years?I don’t know if I’ll be rich, but hopefully rich enough to live comfortably.

Tell us some funny drunk story.I don’t think I really have any funny ones :’)

Why are you no longer together with your ex?I don’t know that there was a particular reason, it just didn’t work out.

If you had to choose one way to die, what would it be? Natural causes.

What are your current goals?To get through uni and get a 2:1/1st, and try to lower my body fat (mainly for health right now).

Do you like someone?I don’t know, I think I might but I’m not sure.

Who was the last person to disappoint you?Myself for not going to the gym when I’ve got a membership and keep saying I will.

Do you like your body?I don’t like how it looks overall, but there are good parts to me. It’s worked relatively fine so far, so I’m happy with that.

Can you keep a diet?Not unless I can get past the first month of it.

If the whole world listened to you right now, what would you say?Did Barry the Bee really have sexual relations with Vanessa, and did Ken ever get to have yoghurt night?

Do you work?No.

If you could choose only one food to eat to the rest of your life, what would it be?Chicken wraps probably.

Would you get a tattoo?Yeah, I want one but I’m just not sure what to start with.

Something you don’t mind spending all your money on?Food.

Can you drive?Yes.

When was the last time someone told you you were beautiful?Idk man it’s been a while. *tiny violin plays in the distance*

What was the last thing you cried for?I think I was just really sad and really tired, there was no real trigger.

Do you keep a journal?Nope.

Is life fun?It can be sometimes. It can also be a lot of effort.

Is farting in front of people irrelevant?I don’t know what this means by irrelevant but I don’t think it matters much unless it’s a crowded area.

What’s your dream car?This changes, but I do really want a Dodge Charger (either a 1970s one or the 2014 model)

Are grades in school important?Yes, because it can affect what direction you take for your career (i.e. choosing if/where to go to university), but it’s not the most important thing. You can get bad grades and still be successful and happy in life.

Describe your crush.Really chilled out, similar sense of humour to me and just quite easy to be around.

What was the last book/movie that really impressed you?I’m listening to the audiobook “How to Build a Universe: An Infinite Monkey Cage Adventure” by Brian Cox, Robin Ince and Alexandra Feachem. It’s impressive how they can talk about and explain these theories about space and time in a way that is accessible and often comedic.

What was your last lie?Probably something like “I can’t come out, I have a lot of work to do”.

Dumbest lie you ever told? When I was a kid, my mum caught me playing my Gameboy when I wasn’t supposed to, and I tried to lie and say I didn’t even though I clearly was.

Is crying in front of people embarrassing?I don’t feel comfortable doing it because a lot of people do judge others when they cry in public, but if it’s people I know then I don’t really feel it should be embarrassing.

Something you did and you are proud of?Cleaned and decorated my room in my new house.

What’s your favourite cocktail?I’d probably still go with long islands, purely because I haven’t found another one that I love yet.

Something you are good at?Complaining.

Do you like small kids?I don’t mind them, I’m just terrible at dealing with them.

How are you feeling right now?Like I should be writing my essay rather than procrastinating :’)

What would you name your daughter/son?I don’t have a clue.

What do you need to be happy?Financial and emotional stability and a healthy relationship.

Is there some you want to punch in the face right now?Not right now, I’m feeling pretty chill.

What was the last gift you received?GTA 5 from my friends for my birthday

What was the last gift you gave?It was just a £20 playstation store card and we made him cocktails as well.

What was the last concert you went to?The Community Festival in Finsbury Park

Favourite place to shop at?Blue Inc.

Who inspires you?My parents, and Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson.

How old were you when you first got drunk?18.

How old were you when you first got high?Still haven’t.

How old were you when you first had sex?16.

When was your first kiss?When I was 14 or 15.

Something you want to do until the end of this year?Come up with ideas for music videos and sketches.

Is there something in the past you wish you hadn’t done?Yes.

Post a selfie.Really not feeling it today, sorry.

Who are you most comfortable around?@robbiesheehanigan, @lucashaggettphotography, @i-dw and @th4t-f33ling

Name one thing that terrifies you.Heights.

What kind of books do you read?I usually read fantasy books, but books about space are also great.

What would you tell your 12 year old self?Get into a sport, it’ll help you in the future.

What is your favourite flower?Chrysanthemums.

Any bad habits you have?Oh yes. Definitely.

What kind of people are you attracted to?People who are kind, I’m comfortable being around, have a similar sense of humour, and I don’t really know apart from there being ‘something’ that makes them attractive to me.

Is there something you don’t eat? Some food that truly disgust you?Other than cod, I don’t really like seafood. I also really don’t like olives.

Are you in love?No.

Something you find romantic?Sitting in front of a fire together somewhere scenic and toasting marshmallows. Also stargazing. 

How long was your longest relationship? About 4 years.

What are 3 things that irritate you about the same sex?What are 3 things that irritate you about the opposite sex? I’m just going to say three things in general.1 - When people are unnecessarily rude to waiting/bar staff.2 - When people only want to do things their way or no way, with no contingency plan or even listening to what other people have to say, even if it’s valid.3 - People who say they’ll do something, and constantly don’t.

What are you saving money for?A car or a new camera.

How would you describe your bad side?Rude, nasty to people, and short-tempered.

Are you actually a good person? Why?I hope so, but I don’t know how to judge that. I think I’m probably just a neutral person.

What are you living for?To see what happens next.

Have you ever done anything illegal?Aha, nice try cops

Have you ever made someone feel bad about themselves intentionally?I probably have and can’t remember, so I’m sorry to anyone who I may have done that to.

Ever sent nudes?Nah I’m not that confident :’)

Have you ever cheated on someone?No.

Favourite candy?I could always go for a bounty or kit-kat.

Is there a blog you visit every day, or almost every day? Tag it!Not really, I mostly just look at my timeline.

Do you play any computer games? What is your favourite game?I do, I started playing Dark Souls 3 recently and it’s really fun but I’m not particularly good at it. My favourite game changes but I think the one I’ve always liked is Tom Clancy’s Hawx.

Favourite TV series?I still really like Community, though Tokyo Ghoul and Stranger Things are also amazing.

Are you religious? Does God exist?I used to be but now I’m not so much. I think there might be some type of higher power, but I don’t definitively believe that there is or isn’t.

What was the last book you read? Did it impress you and why?I answered this with the one about a book that’s impressed me :)

What do you think about vegetarianism/veganism?I think vegetarianism is admirable, probably more ethically correct and environmentally friendly. I don’t really know enough about veganism to make an informed comment, but it’d probably be a similar opinion. 

How long have you been on Tumblr?Probably like 5 years or so. I think I had it before then but never used it.

Do you like Chinese food?Yes.

McDonalds or Subway?McDonalds

Vodka or whiskey?Straight whiskey, vodka if it’s with a mixer

Alcohol or drugs?Alcohol

Ever been out of your province/state/country?Yes

Meaning behind your blog name?I watched Stranger Things 2 and Steve as the babysitter is my favourite thing. Also the last scene where he’s giving Dustin a pep talk is brilliant.

What are you scared of?Heights. A lot of other things too, but let’s just go with heights.

Last time you were insulted?Probably earlier today (part of banter with my friends)

Most traumatic experience ?I have no idea, probably the many times I ran into the door frame when I was younger.

Perfect date idea?Dinner and a movie (even if it’s at home) is a great idea. Stargazing and a campfire (and obviously food) would also be amazing, but I feel like that’d be once I know them a little better.

Favourite app on your phone?The Clock app, I would probably not wake up on time without it.

What colour are the walls in your room?White

Do you watch Youtube? Who is your favourite youtuber?I watch YouTube, I’ve always loved Markiplier because he’s a lovely person (though I haven’t really watched his videos recently). I really like Shane and Ryan in Buzzfeed Supernatural.

Share your favourite quote.L’amor che move il sole e l’altre stelle

What is the meaning of life?I feel like that’s a question for Google.

Do you like horror movies?Not really, I can watch them and I think some of them are great, but I get scared by them really easily.

Have you ever made your mum cry? What happened?Yeah, I think the most recent time was when I turned 21 and/or came back to uni.

Do you feel lucky or special in a way?Yeah, I’ve lived quite a good life. I have an amazing family who have always looked after me and shown me love, and I think I’m lucky to have that.

Can you keep a secret?Probably, depends on the secret. You got a confession to make?

Thank you for asking :) Also @robbiesheehanigan someone else also did the 1 to 100 thing so here you go xo

[ldprecovery-blog]

How it all came to be...

Why, how, what, when…?

This post is about my backstory, which I didn’t realise was so complex until I began writing it down. It makes me feel incredibly sad and sorry for the old me, but regardless, our pasts make us who we are today so instead, I’m embracing my tale of woe and writing this hoping to connect with those who read it, those who might be suffering from mental health issues or eating disorders like I did. So let’s start from the beginning….

I had a wonderful childhood: two loving parents who adored me and a younger sister. From the age of five I started gymnastics and it turned out I was pretty good at it. I trained five, sometimes six times a week with fierce dedication. I was determined to be the best and I wanted to win competitions, which I mostly did. I guess I was quite competitive. At the age of 16 I became the National Champion for my category and it was a glorious moment; I’d worked so hard for this day. Alongside gymnastics, I danced with a troop and performed in many shows. I also played netball and entered most school sports competitions. My grades at school were always very good and through hard work and commitment, I performed very well academically. Things were great for 16 year old me. I met my first love in the Sixth Form whilst studying for my A levels. It was an exciting time for me because I felt so ‘normal’ and my social life had always been second to my training regime. So, I was living this wonderful life where I felt amazing in so many ways - school was going well, I was sporty, body confident and had a boyfriend who really, really liked me. Perfect! Oh, and I ate food by the bucket load! In fact, I LOVED food. People would always say to me, ‘Where do you put it all? Do you have hollow legs?’ Well I was doing so much sport that I was burning calories at lightning speed and to be honest, I was proud of how much I could eat, really proud! I remember one time, I went to my new boyfriend’s Dad’s house for a good old Sunday roast - my favourite! We got there and I waited patiently for my plate of food (I was used to helping myself to generous portions, always going back for seconds and sometimes thirds. This was swiftly followed by pudding of some kind). I was sooooo hungry when we arrived. When his Dad presented me with my long awaited roast dinner, my first thought was, ‘Where’s the rest of it?!’ But his Dad smiled and said, ‘Now don’t worry if you can’t finish it, I know there’s a lot there.’ Was he joking? I knew I’d nail that!

So after clearing my plate easily, I felt their eyes on me...they were either impressed or in shock. I was asked if I wanted seconds and of course I said yes. And yes to the dessert that followed. I could eat a lot, I had a huge appetite and I liked that about myself. I didn’t know what a calorie was then or how to count it. I didn’t know what had fat in it and what didn’t. I certainly wasn’t intolerant to any food groups and I ate what I felt like, when I felt like it. Food was food and nothing more. Little did I know this was all about to change, and spiral out of control into a full blown ED.

Cause 1:

The first major (and root) cause of my ED and negative body image was finding out my Dad was having an affair with a woman that went to the same exercise class as him. My Mum was beside herself, as was I. In a heartbeat, my world shattered. He left that night and I hated him for what he had done. My Mum was left in pieces with no one there to pick her up, apart from me. I was 17 at the time and my sister was 12. I had to grow up very quickly indeed. My Mum needed me to help her through. I don’t really think my sister understood what was going on but what she did know was that daddy didn’t love mummy anymore and didn’t want to be around us either. He just left us, burying his head in the sand to avoid his own feelings of guilt, betrayal and abandonment. His new life had no room for us and the ‘other woman’ didn’t like him seeing his children….it’s fair to say I hated her. What I didn't realise at the time, being just 17 years old, was that the whole situation planted a toxic idea in my head: we weren’t enough for him...I wasn’t enough.

Cause 2:

A few months passed and in that time I cried a lot. And I mean A LOT. Then came the second cause of my ED. I contracted the most awful bout of food poisoning which left me hospitalised. I was on a drip, had all sorts of injections to stop the sickness and ended up losing a tonne of weight. After I recovered I returned to ‘normal’ life.  It was shortly after this that it happened and I remember the exact moment which I now know to be the beginning of my ED. I was in my bedroom and suddenly caught my reflection in the mirror, sideways on: I saw a rounded, bloated belly that I’d not seen before….. ‘what the heck is that?!’ I thought to myself. Having stared at it for a while I decided it was fat and it needed to go quickly, so maybe I should stop eating things with fat in them, because obviously fat makes you fat, right? (Poor little me, clueless and naive - how wrong I was). After a couple of weeks I decided that my stomach was not getting any better so I went to the Drs because something must be wrong. Well it turned out, the food poisoning had wiped out my gut flora and ripped my insides to shreds, so they were sore! Of course they were sore, I’d just had the worst food poisoning imaginable! So the Dr concluded that I had developed intolerances and suggested I cut out wheat and gluten (Hmmm, a restrictive diet. ALARM BELLS RINGING FOR ANYONE RIGHT NOW?!) So, happy with my diagnosis, off I went to find gluten free products (which at the time weren’t really heard of, not like today’s market) and I was actually quite excited by the novelty. So with the gluten food group cut out, I lessened my symptoms but it was still happening. I went back to the Dr and this time he told me to cut out dairy (SECOND ALARM BELL ANYONE?!). So off I went, cutting out all forms of gluten and dairy, but without the success I was hoping for! My symptoms were alleviated slightly but not gone and I just wanted them gone! After that, I took matters into my own hands and spent hours on the internet researching what could be wrong and how to fix it. I found the Candida Albicans diet, the IBS diet and the food combining protocol. Well….I did them all in one go. I just had to get rid of this bloating! This lasted for a year and in that year I unintentionally lost a LOT of weight. I went from a healthy size 10 to a 6, still training 6 times a week and expending a phenomenal number of calories without fueling my body. I was running on empty constantly. I was weak, I looked ill, I was always cold and my mood was unpredictable. Everything seemed to annoy me and I had many a fall out with my boyfriend who probably had no idea what had happened to his once lively, happy girlfriend. I was utterly miserable and I wore baggy clothes to hide this disgusting and hideous bloating that continued to rule my life. I would stand in the mirror sideways for hours. I’d take photographs of my stomach before and after eating for comparisons and I’d cry on the floor about it when I saw the difference. I sought out herbal healers, hypnotherapists, private doctors….you name it, I tried it! I look back on 19 year old me and think, ‘you poor, poor girl. If only you’d just given your stomach time to heal instead of cutting out X,Y and Z, would things have been different?’

Cause 3:

The third cause, (or turning point really) came when I was at breaking point. I’d had enough of not eating anything at all and still being bloated. I was avoiding most food groups but getting nowhere. Naturally, I rebelled and said ‘f*** it’ to the diets: I decided that I would just eat EVERYTHING because I wasn't getting any better either way. Having starved and deprived myself of nutrients and flavours for months, I was like a wild animal, taken over by lust for the food that was forbidden! And that was my first binge. When I finally snapped out of my binge-eating trance, along came new feelings that I’d not really experienced after food before: guilt, followed by a wave of disgust, self loathing and dismay. But that was just the beginning and I thought about gorging on food constantly after that, becoming a regular binge eater. Having practically starved myself for a year, this new way of eating meant I began putting weight back on, but turns out I didn’t like that one bit. I hated seeing yet another unwanted change in my body and desperately sought to control my weight gain. So while binge eating in secret and then punishing myself with additional exercise, misusing laxatives and attempting (but failing) to make myself sick, I went back to the doctor who referred me to a counsellor. It was the counsellor who told me that the food combining diet I had done sounded awfully like slimming world and if I wanted a nutrition plan like that then maybe I should look into it….was she SERIOUS?! To this day I cannot believe that this lady, who must have seen the ED in me, told me to look into another diet. Well obviously, being desperate to lose weight, I went along! Oh and it lasted only a few weeks before the binge cycle kicked  back in and I put the weight I’d lost on again. When I look back now, I was barely a size 10 by this point but in my head I was enormous. After attempting slimming world I just returned to exercising like crazy, not eating, then binging, trying to follow some of my old diets etc and then binging again. Enter the fourth cause.

Cause 4:

Remember my first love? Well, he’d been going out a lot around that time, disappearing off with his friends, leaving me at his house with his family or forgetting to come over to mine. He’d started going out clubbing and drinking almost every weekend and things were ‘off’. Looking back, I’m not surprised because he was a young 20 year old lad and his girlfriend was going through some serious stuff that he couldn't even begin to understand….I barely understood myself! Don’t get me wrong though, I am merely explaining his behaviour, not excusing it. So one night, he tells me that he wants to go on a ‘break’, a bit like the whole Ross and Rachel thing from Friends I guess. I was stunned: why, what, how…? I couldn’t make sense of it. I loved him so much and thought we would be together forever. He was everything I thought I wanted. He told me that he needed to do this so that we could then be together again - it was necessary to strengthen us. ‘Don’t worry,’ he told me, ‘this is so we can get back together again and be happy.’ (Pffffffft?!)

So I went along with it, only to discover that whilst he’d been out partying all those weekends he’d met someone else - someone who I saw as very attractive. But all I could think was, ‘I bet she has a flat stomach….’ How sad, right? Throughout the next year he strung us both along, telling me that he missed me but she she’d fallen in love with him and he didn’t know what to do. He wanted us both. Of course, I was foolish enough to believe his lies and still pandered to him when he called, went to his family’s events and when he said jump, I said how high. I loved him unconditionally, but blindly. I was in constant fear of losing him to the other girl who also loved him and I couldn’t lose. I realise now that this must have been a reflection of the situation with my Mum and Dad. One time, he was coming back from a lad holiday and he’d asked me to go round and wait for him to get back. Before the flight, he’d text me a lovely message about missing me and that he loved me. Anyway, for whatever reason - fear, jealousy, distrust - when he’d fallen asleep I looked through his phone messages. He had been sending identical messages to the both of us. I couldn't believe it. I was beside myself, again! All the while, each and every day my feelings of not being good enough were furiously reinforced. She was better than me and I just wasn’t pretty enough, slim enough, fun enough…..you name it, I thought I wasn’t enough of it.

The final straw was a few weeks later when I met someone I quite liked and began texting him. But, he found out somehow and went bonkers at me. He told me I’d ruined everything now and there was no way we would get back together. Looking back at this I know I should have walked away then and there, but all I felt then was hopeless and full of regret, like somehow this was all my fault. It was around that time I did something I never imagined I’d do: I overdosed on paracetamol.

I had no intention of killing myself at any point, it just sort of happened. I was in so much pain, emotional pain, that I think I confused it with physical pain and I wanted it gone. I wanted to end it all and I also wanted him to be sorry. So it happened out of despair and instantly I regretted it. I thought that I would be OK but after being rushed to the hospital, they took some blood tests and realised I’d taken a dangerous amount. I spent the next two nights on a drip to flush out my system and have a psychiatric assessment. What a fool I’d been and how selfish of me to scare my family like that. Even after that experience I was still in contact with my ex, hoping that we might be together again one day. One day though, I’d had enough of feeling the need to compete with another girl and I asked him to do one thing for me. I told him that if he loved me like he said he did, he could do one thing for me and just be in a relationship with this other girl. I knew this was the only way I could move forwards. And he did it.

After all these years, I’ve completely let go of the hurt and anger I felt towards my ex. I forgive him for everything and actually wish I could apologise for putting him through so much without even realising. I hope he is truly happy with his life and family and thank him for some lovely memories. If only I knew then what I know now.

Cause 6:

Cause number six happened over a number of years when I turned to dieting to make myself more attractive and control my ‘bloat’. I even went as far as having some minor surgery - a form of lipo, to remove the fat from my stomach and hips. It was a traumatic process, both painful and distressing, with a long, long recovery time. I put myself through so much pain and paid a LOT of money just to be my idea of ‘beautiful’. And did the results last? Of course not! Maybe for about 6 months and then the binge eating cycle kicked in again. From then on I entertained a number of dieting mechanisms: I used My Fitness Pal to calorie count, went on the Dukan Diet once (which ended up giving me terrible stomach acid and I spent the night in hospital), had 2 rounds of CBT in between after telling the Dr I was struggling with my feelings, went on My Fitness Pal again, tried another online diet, upped my exercise in all kinds of ways and then went on a diet plan with a trained fitness instructor and coach, which meant that by Summer 2015 I was a very small size 8 and through food combining I had ‘fixed’ my bloating. Oh and was I happy with myself? No. Of course not!! And was the bloating ‘gone’? NO….it returned and my mood changed instantly whenever it happened. I woke up anxious every morning wondering if it would be a good bloat day or a bad one. Could I see how bony I looked? No. Was I relaxed and enjoying life? No. Was I present in the moment? No. There is one silver lining though. What I haven’t told you is that I met the love of my life in that time too - he’s now my fiance and the centre of my universe. I met him when I was 25, through a friend I went to uni with. Having an ED isn’t something you just come out with and in all honesty, I didn't want to admit that I had one then. Food scared the life out of me, but I didn’t show that to anyone. After the first few dates I knew I liked this guy - he was funny and full of life and he made me feel desperate to be part of that. He was the sort of person I wanted to just hang out with. So things progressed and we got together. One morning, after I had stayed at over, I was feeling hungry, like any normal human, but his suggestion for breakfast was….wait for it…..nachos with cheese. Now, my face looked calm and my response was ‘sure’ but on the inside I was having a melt down and my heart was about to beat out of my chest! I was petrified. I knew that I was going to eat some of the nachos and rather than thinking, ‘that’s OK I’ll just have a few and then say I’m full’ I knew that I would have one or two and then the binge eating monster would take, revelling in the taste of a forbidden food. The thing I’ve learnt about forbidden food is that it makes you obsess over it and then when given half a chance to eat it, it’s almost like permission to stuff your face silly. Hunger doesn’t even come into it. I knew that I’d go into ‘f*** it’ mode and eat mindlessly, feeling guilt with every bite. I knew my stomach would bloat after that and I’d then have to do extra gym sessions to pay for the calories. Crazy right? And was he any the wiser? Of course not! I was an expert at hiding it. But, after a year together, it was hard to hide certain things and he began to notice, for example, how excruciatingly long it would take me to choose from a restaurant menu (I’ll go into detail about that in another post). He witnessed my confidence dwindling as I began to put on weight. He watched as I undertook a variety of diets and how much I panicked and cried when we travelled around Europe. For every meal I had to find something I could eat that would fit in with my diet plan and not bloat me out. He loved me and just wanted me to be happy and he felt helpless in being able to do that. But, he stuck by me and told me there was more to me than my ED. I didn't believe him though - it took a lot longer for me to see that. Anyway, I’ll talk more about my relationship in another post.

Back to cause number 6 - you could say it was a combination of a series of diets, losing weight, gaining weight, stress at work (which I haven’t mentioned before but is another one I will come to in a different post) and feeling like this amazing guy who I had fallen in love with would leave me if I wasn’t what I thought to be perfect in every way ( essentially a certain weight, shape and size). Oh how wrong I was. He stuck by me, loved me with all his heart and proposed in Paris a year and a half ago. Of course I said yes. I still had ED issues, as I hadn’t really addressed them but I pushed them to the back of my mind and told myself to snap out of it. It was shortly after that we made the decision to move and teach abroad as he had always wanted to travel and I wasn't happy in my job in the UK anymore. 

The final straw:

So off we went to Singapore, relocating our entire life. Wow, what a whirlwind of change that was which naturally brought with it a whole bunch of stress. Needless to say my ED came out in full force and I constantly mirror checked, cried about how much weight I was putting on, attempted to diet again in so many ways, binged again, over exercised and cried some more. It was when we had just returned from our trip to a beautiful island in Malaysia when I decided I’d had enough of dreading going on holiday because of wearing a bikini and not being able to go to the gym or control what I was eating. What was the point in living this amazing lifestyle where I could travel to Bali, Thailand, Malaysia, Vietnam - the dream life - if I feared it? I wasn’t present. I was stuck in my own head and this ferocious storm cloud followed my every move, ready to attack when I was vulnerable. Oh and it attacked. Not only did it attack but knocked me off my feet, spun me round and spat me back out, with my fiance left to pick up the pieces. I decided to put an end to it all once and for good and, having already read Mel Well’s book The Goddess Revolution, I knew I needed to make changes. It just so happened that an email came through that day with a last chance offer to sign up to Mel’s Goddess Academy which aimed to heal your relationship with yourself and with food. We had been discussing counselling, CBT and all sorts of things to help me but I felt apprehensive in a brand new country. When this came through we both knew I didn’t have anything to lose. And it was the best thing I have ever done. The Goddess Academy has turned my life around, bringing me to the point I am at today. I worked through a series of tutorials, tasks and practices, with support from an amazing network of females on the same journey. Since graduating from The Academy I’ve never been more present and happy in myself and in my life. I now accept my body, love my body, nourish my body, forgive my body, listen to my body and protect my body. I understand my ED and know how to deal with it. I have strategies to cope with my triggers and I don’t need to binge anymore. I despise diets and know that there is no such thing as a ‘diet that really works’. They are NOT sustainable! I am now able to appreciate my incredible life and feel grateful for my friends and family. I feel comfortable in my own skin and I appreciate the little things in life, finding joy in them instead of feeling sad that I don’t look a certain way. Don’t get me wrong, I still have a number of triggers and sometimes old thoughts, feelings and habits creep back in, but they are few and far between now. I am armed with shield and sword to fight them off! So, now I have decided to share this journey with the world because I want to help others find a pathway to freedom from EDs and self loathing. I also really enjoy journaling and writing - it lights me up so that I feel ‘full’ on life and not food. So here I am, This is my story. This the start of another journey to a happier, brighter and upgraded version of me. Enjoy.